


Now Let Thy Motherfucker Go in Peace

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dubious Consent, Excuse Plot, Extreme Age Difference, M/M, Makaracest, Pseudo-Incest, Religion, Sadstuck, Size Difference, Size Kink, Vomit Mention, Workplace harassment from Condesce, geezer Grand Highblood, homesmut, religious experience, tentabulges and nooks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 14:18:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4749524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the 12th bilunar perigee of the 6th dark season's equinox, twelve young trolls failed to play a game.</p><p>Four sweeps later, Gamzee and Equius are summoned to see the Grand Highblood.</p><p>(Fill for <a href="http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/40248.html?thread=46882104#cmt46882104">this homesmut prompt</a>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now Let Thy Motherfucker Go in Peace

Gamzee Makara’s adulthood hadn’t been as mirthful as he had expected it to be. It wasn’t simply having to go cold gobblebeast off sopor pies. That made him feel sick for a few nights, but it wasn’t as bad as the poor souls who were addicted to the stronger stuff Alternia put out. It was that he lost Karkat and Tavros from his life when he became an adult. His best motherfucking friend had run off a perigee before Expulsion with only a message saying he was going to be “an hero” and his flush crush was culled despite his robot legs. Even though the flush crush had distanced himself from Gamzee after Gamzee’s failed flirting, and the motherfucking best friend wasn’t much of a friend in retrospect, Gamzee still felt a great loss. Despite being surrounded by Family when he joined the Subjuggulators, he hadn’t found anyone who could replace those two in his pump biscuit. When he had his first Spawning a sweep after Expulsion, he paired with not his matesprit and kismesis but two platonic comrades who had drawn his name. The fake kismesis actually had a real kismesis but didn’t want it on record that he was in a relationship with a lowblood. (If Karkat were around, the romance expert would have been disgusted at how the real world of romance worked.) Gamzee also lost the Old Goat and even as he slowly realized that his lusus was less a guardian bred to protect him than a wild animal that happened to migrate near his hive, he still kept his filial piety. He missed waiting on the beach and he missed the beach itself. Being on a starship meant being inside all the time for him. He was trapped.

However, he kept himself mirthful. It wouldn’t do to let himself fall into despair. He was supposed to be in the Cult of the Mirthful Messiahs. He didn’t have sopor slime to give him a chemical euphoria but he had plenty of soda. He threw himself into his training. Though he had always carried his clubs around, he now learned to actually use them. His body grew strong. His now-clear mind was used to memorize the scripture and understand the complexities of his faith. He always attended Massacre and whooped the loudest and got drenched by the most Faygo. He was everything a Subjuggulator should be.

He kept faith for a better time. He watched the news for signs of that the time of the Vast Honk was near. Every oddity could be explained by the scripture. In private, he did rituals to ensure his lost lowblood friends’ place on the Paradise Planet as his servants. The Paradise Planet would bring everything to his life that life hadn’t provided.

Meanwhile, Equius’ adulthood had started with a great coup. In the sweep before Expulsion, he finally managed to use a bow. He wasn’t the best of archers but he was just skilled enough to qualify for the Archeradicators. His moirail was accepted into the Pathfienders because of her wilderness skills. The two palemates spent the day before Expulsion having a “slumber party”. It was one of the few times they ever met in person and it was their last time. They trained light years away from each other.

As the perigees went by, Equius and Nepeta grew apart. Though they had never lived close to each other, they really felt the distance now. In their new lives, they were surrounded by people of similar color instead of a large variety. He had always considered himself a typical indigobloods but he had never really met any indigobloods before. His indigoblood comrades were casual in their dominance, seeing acting superior as just a way of life instead of a thrilling privilege. They didn’t try to improve themselves with art or poetry. On the other hand, they were more complete with their prejudice. Everyone below indigo was completely worthless peasantbloods. They would not acknowledge anything good about them. Equius had always been appreciative of the technical achievements of the weaker castes that helped him make his robots. Though he was romantic rivals with Captor, he respected Captor’s intelligence. His fellow Archeradicators didn’t think much of technology and didn’t see any point in making labor-saving robots when living slaves would do. The indigo caste even disrespected the sacred jade caste. He found himself surprised to hate the typical indigoblood attitude. Worse, he felt that attitude slowly sink into him. His passion for making robots faded and he found himself chuckling along to gross jokes about what cavern maidens did with grubs and buckets.

Meanwhile, his oliveblood moirail turned from a silly girl to a professional woman. Her cat puns grew rarer. She stopped roleplay altogether. She started talking more about how well her other trainees were performing than what romances they were forming. Her goal was to be the best Pathfiender she could. Equius knew she had changed completely when she started incessantly complaining about this one comrade who she deemed unserious. He didn’t say anything negative about her change in personality. It was supposed to be what he wanted all along. He wished he hadn’t wished for it. He missed her saccharine personality and her new one depressed him. She must have sensed his disappointment and became resentful he wasn’t more proud of her. It was a relief when she said they couldn’t communicate for a while because her band was preparing for her first mission.

The mission was a failure and half the band died. He was informed of her death because he was still listed as a quadrant mate. The second-in-command officer who informed him of the death was callous enough to express surprise that the indigoblood was Nepeta’s moirail and not the “unserious” comrade she died protecting. The indigoblood didn’t rage at the lowerblood officer but instead rented his own uniform. Though Equius and Nepeta were practically broken up and apparently she had moved on, he still felt like a pale widower.

His comrades didn’t see it the same way. They felt he should have broken up with her on Expulsion and gotten a highblood moirail. Peasantbloods were adequate enough for a pap when a highblood is planetbound and desperate but on adulthood a highblood should find an equal to be their moirail. They found his story insipid and mocked his grief. Privately, one of his comrades said he too had a midblood moirail who died and who he missed every night. Equius was surprised to hear that from that proud highblood but he was glad to have someone who shared his pain. They became moirails, though most of their feeling jams revolved around the moirails they lost.

Equius lived on. He lived the life of a proper indigoblood and worked hard. Though he still was a mediocre archer, he was obedient and meticulous and that helped him survive his demanding career. He avoided all political arguments, not even to take the most patriotic side. Other than his moirail, he didn’t socialize with his peers much. He declined to attend their parties filled with soporifics and quadrant-blurring sex. He was a nonentity in his unit, remembered only for his body odor and broken horn.

It was therefore a huge surprise when the ten sweep old private received an invitation to an audience with the Grand Highblood. The Grand Highblood, the thirteenth of his kind, rarely gave any audiences anymore. For the past few centuries, ever since the end of the Summoner’s rebellion, the formerly claws-on leader had become a recluse. While he still did a lot of work, it was from one of his private estates. His deputies were all colorless (at least for clowns) but loyal, efficient, and discreet. The Grand Highblood didn’t make any public appearances, not even by video. He surrounded himself with the highest Cultists and the only non-believer he would see was the Empress. Why would he defile himself with a non-royal infidel? Though Equius didn’t believe in the Grand Highblood’s spiritual powers, he was still overblown to receive such an honor.

However, he also wondered if he was going to be punished. While he had lived a clean adulthood, there were associations in his wigglerhood that could damn him. His oliveblood moirail wasn’t one of them; she may have been much lower than him but she lived a clean life and died a hero. His neighbor worried him more, even though she was much closer in blood than him. She had skipped Expulsion to go off to be a pirate, of all the crazy things. Her luck ran out quickly and Equius might have missed the small news item about his former neighbor’s execution if he hadn’t been observant. On reading that news, he simply shook his head like a disapproving lusus and went on reading. There was also Ampora. It wasn’t necessarily bad to know someone who knew a rebelling heiress. Ampora, for all his aid to a girl who tried to kill the Empress, could have gone scot-free after the heiress died, with no one suggesting treason. However, Ampora was too hot-headed to let poor Feferi rest in peace and made the suicidal move to attack the Empress. He died a traitor, but Equius felt a treasonous respect for Ampora that he never felt when the seadweller was alive. Equius wondered if he would have done the same in Ampora’s situation if his moirail was killed in front of him.

The connection that most worried him though was the hemononymous Vantas. The indigoblood had spent many nights wondering about Vantas’ blood. The most likely explanation was Vantas was hiding maroon blood but he lived in a midblood neighborhood and he had a crab as a lusus. The indigoblood sometimes imagined that Vantas was a deformed seadweller or even a limeblood. He had once asked Serket to read Vantas’ mind for the answer and she said his mind was too disgusting to read; it was likely his mind was closed off to her but she wouldn’t admit it. Equius never did find out what Vantas’ blood color was before Vantas disappeared. The mystery of Vantas had disappeared from Equius’ mind until the summons.

In the end, the Grand Highblood might torture Equius for no reason at all except as a symbol of his capriciousness. Despite this seeming to be the worse fate of all, Equius would prefer to be tortured not for any sin of his but simply to please a highblood. He had guilty fantasies about such a fate, though none of them involved the Grand Highblood. He did once cast a spawnmate in the role of torturer before deciding to give up his silly obsession with him. Makara would never be the highblood he wanted.

Gamzee Makara got a summons to see the Grand Highblood and even though Gamzee hadn’t seen it coming somehow he wasn’t surprised. It was the will of the Mirthful Messiahs that Gamzee be so honored. Gamzee felt a connection with the Grand Highblood. It wasn’t always conscious. He heard rumors he was descended from the current Grand Highblood because they shared a sign, a goat lusus, and a nose among other similarities, but people often in the same breath said it was unlikely that someone like Gamzee could be the spawn of someone so grand. With the current Grand Highblood’s name long sealed, people couldn’t be sure. However, when Gamzee heard these rumors, he tried to believe they were true. He knew if he met the Grand Highblood, he would know for sure. 

That didn’t mean Gamzee wasn’t scared of him. Probably everyone was scared of him, except the Empress and she wasn’t scared of anything. A visit with him was scarier than a thousand sudden horn-honks. Though Ancestors meeting Descendants happened rarely, there were enough cases where it went horribly wrong, not including Condesce and all her hapless heiresses. While his Ancestor could embrace his Descendant like a lusus embraces its charge, he could also kill him for being competition or out of shame. Part of being a Grand Highblood was capriciousness. Gamzee knew he could be killed for any reason. Yet he feared excommunication more than death. Death was only a temporary state till the resurrection of the Mirthful and their servants on the Paradise Planet. If Gamzee died cut off from the Carnival, he would spend his afterlife alone in the dark for all eternity, able to see the light of the Carnival but not having the admission ticket to enter. That would be a torture greater than anything the Subjuggulators had ever created.

He had to see the Grand Highblood. He would be obedient and mirthful. His face would bear top-shelf makeup instead of the cheap stuff and the lines would be done perfectly. His uniform would be clean and neat. His hair wouldn’t be, since some nastiness was expected from clowns. His stance would be both casual yet menacing. His speech would have the right amount of “motherfucks”. When the Grand Highblood said “Whoop whoop”, Gamzee would call back his call immediately. When the Grand Highblood told a joke, Gamzee would laugh. All this had been drilled into the junior Subjuggulator since training yet he kept repeating the protocol to himself and practiced his speech and mannerisms in front of a mirror. The infidels thought clowning was easy but it wasn’t.

Equius wasn’t sure how to present himself. He hadn’t had much experience with the Subjuggulator branch. The Archeridicators were in charge of invading planets while the Subjuggulators policed troll subjects for subversion. If the Subjuggulators paid any attention to the Archeridicators, it was to conduct a purge. Equius was proud that the Archeridicators as a branch rarely harbored subversives, but now he wished he had experience with Subjuggulators. The closest Equius had was his disappointing friendship with Makara and he doubted Makara could ever be a model Suggulator. Equius searched out books of protocol by himself with no help from any liaison.

He currently was between assignments. His unit’s tour of service was up and they had left their clean-up duties on a recently-conquered planet for a space station. He had been expecting to rest the next perigee but immediately after the post-mission debriefing he was taken aside and informed of the summons. He had only three nights to prepare before he took a shuttle out. The shuttle only went the speed of light, so it took two more nights. He was only with a midblood technician and a psionic-capable lusus and he couldn’t talk with either of them.

Gamzee was also on Leave. Luckily, he was on a ship that was already heading in the general direction of the Grand Highblood’s planet. Gamzee had five nights till the ship reached close enough for an easy shuttle ride. The shuttle only took a few hours but it felt much longer to him.

The Grand Highblood resided on a planet designated APH 314 but nicknamed the Planet of Blood Springs both for the varied color of the water that came from its collection of springs and its draw of highbloods looking to drink the supposedly-healing waters. However, the springs ran dry two centuries ago and apart from a skeleton administration, the only highblood of importance was the Grand Highblood. He had gone there for a working vacation and never checked out. Taking over a resort hotel, he remodeled it into his home and office. That was where his guests would meet him.

Equius’ shuttle arrived two hours before the appointed time in a bay that once served a hundred shuttles a night. The cavernous structure dwarfed the two-person shuttle. The bay had been designed to be an introduction to luxury and relaxation. However, the murals were so faded and cracked it was hard to tell what sights they were depicting and the hard benches look to be a modern addition. He still felt honored to be where so many great trolls has been.

He exited the shuttle alone. The midblood technician had to stay inside. Though Equius hadn’t considered the midblood company once during the trip, now he wanted the midblood to come with him. Instead, what he had was a purpleblood attendant holding a dry erase board that said “EQUIUS ZAHHAK” in the middle of an empty platform. The attendant was dressed in the pure black of Laughassassins and wore makeup that was almost entirely bone white except for a few red crisscrosses on the lips and cheeks. He was slim and on the short side and had the air of a servant but Equius was sure if the purpleblood was ordered to he would make short work of the strong troll.

Equius bowed his head and waited for the highblood to speak first. The highblood didn’t. They stared at each other awhile. The silence was broken when the highblood snorted. He pointed at his sign then pointed insistently at Equius.

Equius responded, “Um, yes, I am Equius Zahhak. I’m here to see the Grand Highblood.”

The highblood nodded happily. He erased the text on the board, wrote something new on it, and showed it to the guest. It said: “I AM WATEAU AND I SHALL BRING YxU Tx HIM, IF YXU FxLLxW ME.”

Equius wondered why Wateau wasn’t speaking until he noticed that the crisscross pattern on the Cultist’s mouth wasn’t just makeup: the Cultist’s lips had been sewn up with red threads. Equius had heard before that some devout members of the cult did this as an extreme way to keep their vow of silence but he hadn’t believed any troll would mutilate themselves in such a fashion. It made him want to shiver but he repressed his disgust.

Wateau walked away and Equius followed him. They went through the unmanned turnstiles to a receiving hall with large frosted glass doors. The attendant took out a gas mask and mimed putting it on before handing it to Equius. Equius had thought the air was safe for trolls to breathe so was confused by this but he obeyed anyway. Wateau put on a mask of his own and they exited the building. Outside it was muddy land except for an elevated road and railroad track. The track was unoccupied but on the road was a dull brown beetle buggy. The attendant set up the stairs and opened the door graciously for the guest. He entered and found the inside wasn’t any more luxurious than the outside. The buggy could easily be owned by a midblood. The attendant got in the driver’s seat and drove the buggy through the wasteland. If it weren’t for the empty foundations jutting from the mud here and there and the road itself, the place would look uninhabited.

After fifteen or so uncomfortable minutes, the buggy reached a tall thick wall guarded by at least a dozen robot sentries and one drone. The driver scanned his eyes and thumb to open the door. The buggy went through a tunnel and there was an electric noise and moving light that probably meant the entire vehicle was being scanned. The second door opened and Equius could properly see the former resort. The resort had been built in an aesthetic incredible popular two hundred sweeps ago. It was a revival of a style popular a thousand sweeps ago which was vaguely based on a mishmash of alien cultures from the oceanic planet of HWI 050. It was called “that one with all the squawkbirds and the reeds and the stone faces and drinks with little umbrellas in them” or “Tiki” for short. The faux-reed structure sat on slits over the mud and on each side were huge stone faces resembling the extinct people of HWI 050. It was a tacky monstrosity but it didn’t seem a tacky enough monstrosity for a Cultist. Had the Grand Highblood done any remodeling?

They reached the enclosed garage and the buggy was parked easily. The attendant got out and opened the door again for the guest. Though the air in the garage was presumably non-poisonous, it had a strange smell to it. He didn’t have much time to ponder it. They took a transportalizer up to what once was the lobby. The air there was fresh and clean. The lobby had many little islands of island-themed furniture for parties to gather while their blocks were prepared. The attendant walked Equius over to a corner that was partially hidden by folding screens adopted from an entirely different planet than HWI 050. The attendant held up his board: SIT HERE. Equius walked in and saw the Grand Highblood sitting on a couch!

Equius’ knees buckled and he was almost about to prostrate himself when he realized the troll wasn’t the Grand Highblood. In fact, the troll was dressed like a low-rank Subjuggulator, with only one thin stripe on his shirt. He looked to be around Equius’ age. Equius felt embarrassed he almost threw himself on the rug over a troll who didn’t even have a commission. He figured he must have been so nervous he saw the Grand Highblood in this random purpleblood. Though, the junior Subjuggulator did have horns somewhat like the Grand Highblood’s, so maybe it wasn’t completely ridiculous. In any case, Equius would need to be polite.

“E-excuse me, highblood,” he asked, “May I please sit across from you?”

The Grand Highblood lookalike stopped examining the armrest and looked up at Equius. He then gave a surprised reaction that was nothing like the Grand Highblood but was entirely like someone Equius knew so long ago. The lookalike was just older and bigger with three scars across his face.

“Makara? Gamzee Makara?” Equius asked, “Is that you?”

The Grand Highblood lookalike nodded and honked.

“I’m Equius Zahhak. Do you remember me? I remember you...”

On his end, Gamzee Makara couldn’t ask any questions. He could only honk. This happened sometimes when he was shocked. His interrogations schoolfeeder hated it and would say if Gamzee was going to take a sudden vow of silence he should sew up his lips so the bitebugs wouldn’t get in. Gamzee hated it himself and he especially hated it now that he had in front of him a troll he had long wished to talk back to. He had spent his wigglerhood being dissed by Equius Zahhak and it was too late when Gamzee realized he shouldn’t have let a mere indigoblood talk to him that way. Now was the chance to tell the indigoblood that he had become all a highblood should be. However, the indigoblood again was filling up the conversation just like he always did.

“I didn’t even know you were alive.”

“Honk.”

“Not that I wanted you dead, mind you, I just expected you would be dead, what with all your disgusting habits and complete lack of work ethic or focus and your absent lusus though you managed to pull off a miracle?”

“Honk.”

“Not that I didn’t expect a miracle, I know you truly believe in them.”

“Honk.”

“In fact I think I helped with that miracle, what with my STRONG lecturing.”

“Honk.”

“Though I’m sorry I couldn’t pull off a miracle with the brownblood though I shouldn’t mention that, what with your obvious...I should stop talking, shouldn’t I?”

“I’m chill, bro,” Gamzee squeaked out and immediately regretted it. It sounded like the old Gamzee.

Equius collapsed into the over-stuffed armchair across from Gamzee. It made a squeaking noise like Gamzee.

“I have a pressing need for milk,” Equius groaned, "Not that anyone asked."

Gamzee had a pressing need for pie. It was so bad that the lime green in the block was making him nervous. He wouldn’t admit this craving as easily as Equius admitted his. He couldn’t be weak in front of the strong troll.

They sat in silence for a long time. Gamzee still couldn’t say what he wanted to say. He wondered if instead of a speech he should just kill Equius. Killing him could be called justified with the things the infidel had said to him over the sweeps and just now. The junior Subjuggulator had fantasized about that before and it had given him relief. Yet the idea of killing his enemy without a decent speech felt wasteful. Besides, the Grand Highblood had a use for Equius, though Gamzee didn’t know what it could be.

Equius broke the silence by asking, “Do you, perchance, know why the Grand Highblood summoned us?”

Gamzee could only answer, “I ain’t knowin’ his Holy Will.”

Equius’ face fell and Gamzee could almost laugh at his enemy’s insecurity if he didn’t feel so insecure as well.

Gamzee’s fellow Cultist Wateau came in moments later and Gamzee was both relieved for the interruption from the tense moment between him and Equius and anxious about the tenser meeting between him and the Grand Highblood. Wateau held up a dry erase board instead of signing because of Equius’ ignorance. The board said: “FxLLxW ME. YxU MUST BE EXAMINED BEFxRE YxU SEE HIS CAPRICIxUSNESS.”

Both Equius and Gamzee stood up and the height difference between them became fully evident. Gamzee had been a small wriggler and even after puberty just barely reached six feet san horns. Meanwhile, Equius had hit puberty early and though Gamzee had hoped Equius had reached his peak early it was evident he hadn’t. The large troll was at least half a foot taller than Gamzee. Though Gamzee was proud of his lean muscles, Equius’ muscles had grown even more impressively bulging. At least Gamzee had better horns. Equius’ broken horn looked even more ridiculous now that his other horn had grown out.

Equius and Gamzee went with Wateau to the front desk. There were two more Laughassassins waiting, one a stocky male and the other a curvy female. Wateau held up a board saying: EQUIUS, Gx WITH LEFT MxTHERFUCKER. GAMZEE, Gx WITH RIGHT. The two guests snuck a look at each other as they were led off in different directions. They were each led into an empty block. Their guides deactivated the guests’ sylladexes without warning. Gamzee’s horns went honking and Gamzee freaked out despite sweeps of training to rid himself of that habit. Equius’ artificial lusus milk got smashed on the wall. Gamzee’s clubs were easy to remove but nothing could be done for Equius’ fists other than removing the gloves. Their respective guides led them to the next block. Inside their respective blocks was a machine Equius recognized as a magnetic resonance imaging closed bore and Gamzee recognized as a magic inside image tunnel. Equius was nervous in the inclosed space but Gamzee found it strangely soothing. Next, the two were taking into a shower block separated by a curtain. They were told by their guides to strip. Gamzee found this easy. He had never cared much about nudity. The female laughassassin prodded his anus and genitals but he wasn’t aroused. Actually, he had never much been interested in any ninjatte. Meanwhile, Equius found it hard not to be aroused and to his shame popped a wriggly. The guide acted professional and said nothing, though that was easy because his lips were sewn up. The guests were next told to shower. Equius was glad for the cold water though he was certain he would just start sweating again after washing off his current layer of sweat. Gamzee got a special mask to keep his precious face safe. After they had dried off, the guests were given white terrycloth robes and flip flops to wear instead of the clothes they came in with. Equius was alarmed to discover he wouldn’t get his shades back but he went along with it. After his guide put his head through the curtain, the guide opened the curtain and the two guests saw each other again. Equius thought about how Makara must have been naked and prodded only a few feet away from him and his sweat started up again.

The guest were led out of the shower block and down a long hallway. The only sound was the vague hum of hives coming from some workblock and the slapping sound of the guests’ flip flops. The Laughassassins’s sandals were almost perfectly silent. The guests said nothing to each other and the guides couldn’t say anything. The group got into a lift accessible through an eye scan. The hotel building seemed to the guests to have more floors on the inside than it appeared to have on the outside. Finally, they reached the penthive. The doors opened to a small foyer with two fake tiki torches on each side of the penthive door. Next to the door was Wateau. The three laughassassins gave crossed-arm twin W signs to each other before launching into a sign language conversation so quick beginner Gamzee didn’t catch it. When they were done, the guides bowed to their superior and left. Wateau then held up a board that said: PREPARE YxURSELVES. THE GRAND HIGHBLxxD WILL SEE YxU NxW. He pushed the doorbell and a horn calliope could be heard from the penthive. The door pulled open revealing the Grand Highblood’s personal quarters.

The spacious penthive was decorated in a style more befitting a clown. The walls were papered with devotional posters and there was a highly-carved ark in the form of a caravan in one corner. However, what the guests most noticed was the folding screen by the sitting section of the block. It wasn’t the insipid landscape on it they noticed as much as the horns peeking over the top. The horns were the Grand Highblood’s.

Since he hadn’t been seen in so long, there were rumors that the Grand Highblood’s appearance had changed dramatically. They said he might have due to some genetic quirk become a Tyrant or a drone or even a lusus. A disease, Alternian or alien, might have struck him. An alien parasite might have attached itself to him. His skin might be covered in boils or tumors. From what the guests could see, his horns looked normal, but what about the rest of him?

The figure held up with a normal hand a normal board saying “COME IN ALL.”

The guests came in and Wateau followed them. The door shut behind them.

The figure spoke in a bass voice, “Let me get my corpse up JUST A MINUTE.”

The block was filled with groans and cracks and the rustle of fabric as the horned figure behind the screen rose and turned to face the guests and servant. The figure was more than seven feet tall with two feet spiraling horns and hair just as big. Its face bore white makeup like a skull. It was Grand Highblood XIII, high commander of the Subjuggulators, her Imperiousness’s left hand troll, emissary of the Mirthful Messiahs yet-to-come, and the most feared troll in the universe, standing just a few feet away from Equius and Gamzee. And he was wearing a raggedy purple bathrobe and flip flops.

The two guests, once they had processed that this troll was their fearsome host, threw themselves on the ground. The Grand Highblood just stepped around them and they could hear his flip flops near their ears. The guests were left hanging as he did something they couldn’t see with their eyes glued to the incongruous beige carpet. Gamzee dared to lift one eye and saw Grand Highblood signing to his likely deaf attendant before Gamzee put his eyes back down. After too long, they heard the sound of the door opening and closing, signifying that the servant had left the guests to their host. The Grand Highblood walked to the guest’s heads.

The Grand Highblood sighed and said, “It’s a motherfucking shame to see y’all fine motherfuckers prostrating. GET THE FUCK UP.”

The two got up so quickly they almost could have passed out from the blood rush. The Grand Highblood was standing in front of them with a judging look.

“It took a whole forty-five minutes TO GET YOU HERE,” he said.

Equius spoke first. “I’m very sorry, your Capriciousness.”

Gamzee joined in. “My motherfucking harshest bad, your Capriciousness.”

“I ain’t angry at you, I’M ANGRY AT THIS BULLSHIT SECURITY SYSTEM,” the Grand Highblood explained, “I don’t need my guest to be sanitized for my protection. I COULD TAKE Y’ALL EVEN IF YOU HAD RIFLE UP YOUR NOOK.” He sniffed the air. “Though you could use a little more deodorizing.”

Equius shifted a little in his wet bathrobe and Gamzee fidgeted with his hair.

The Grand Highblood continued, “But we ain’t got time for that. COME AND SIT DOWN.”

The guests followed their host around the folding screen to the sitting area. The furniture was simple and didn’t go with the walls or the exotic tiki theme of the rest of the resort. Next to the screen was a giant lazy-wiggler chair and across from it was a couch and both were covered in plastic. In between the couch and chair was a low table. In the center of the table was a tall metal liquid container filled with ice and soda bottles. In the corner were two television, one new and the other smaller and ancient looking. The host took over the lazy-wiggler and the guests sat on the couch on opposite sides, with Gamzee on the left and Equius on the right.

As the guests watched the Grand Highblood laze on the lazy-wiggler, Equius noticed how fat the Grand Highblood was. He wasn’t obese, per se, but he was carrying a big soda belly and his neck was thick. Equius was disappointed by the Grand Highblood’s poor shape.

The host gestured at the metal liquid container. “Go ahead, TAKE AN ELIXIR.”

Gamzee immediately took out a Red Pop.

“Heh, I see we have a RED POP BROTHER with us,” the Grand Highblood remarked, “How funny.”

“Uh...”

“It’s okay, brother. TAKE ANY FLAVOR YOU WANT. I’m a Rock n’ Rye brother myself.”

Meanwhile, Equius hesitated to get any flavor. He was a teetotaler and he had managed to avoid drinking one disgusting drop even in adulthood despite the pressure. He felt he needed to keep a STRONG mind by avoiding soporifics, even relatively minor ones.

“Thank you, but I am fine with water or artificial lusus milk.”

“I don’t have that for y’all, and you will get mighty thirsty MIGHTY SOON.”

Equius simply took a large ice cube from the container and popped it in his mouth. His com-patriot was already halfway through his bottle. The Grand Highblood took out a Rock n’ Rye and filled up his ice-filled tumbler. He took a sip and sighed with enjoyment before putting it back down on an Axe Troll coaster.

“So, my newly-exiled motherfuckers, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY PRIVATE PLANET?”

Gamzee answered breathlessly, “It’s a motherfuckin’ miracle worth you. Like, all that rainbow sludge like raw Faygo getting up in everywhere and that air is for the blessed lungs.”

“It’s a big toxic shit-sphere AND THE AIR SMELLS LIKE FARTS. Stop lyin’ to me, wiggler.”

“I ain’t thinkin’ it stank of that bad of farts,” he said sheepishly.

“I only live here out of nostalgia. NOSTALGIA AND LAZINESS. There’s always been only planet for me AND THAT’S ALTERNIA.” 

“I come from Alternia,” Equius ejaculated.

The ancient troll gave Equius a pitying look at his stupidity. “Every Mother’s grub comes from there. AND THE MOTHERFUCKING GRUBS GET TO KEEP IT. I tell y’all what I say all the time: ALTERNIA IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG.”

“Alternia is exquisite. The fauna is majestic.”

“Yeah, majestic AND DEADLY. And they got disgusting mammal dongs SLAPPING EVERYTHING. And there’s the sun THAT STRIKES DOWN THE FOOLISH. It’s a place where you can die TAKING A WALK AROUND THE LAWNRING. But all in motherfuckin’ all, IT’S HOME. And all us grown can’t go back. IT’S A MOTHERFUCKIN’ SHAME.”

Gamzee added sadly, “And Alternia got in them my oceans.”

“Your oceans? HELL YEAH. Beaches are for the purplebloods. JUST GET THOSE MOTHERFUCKING FISHY ASSHOLES OFF IT.” He winked. “But don’t tell the boss that.”

“Once, when I was wiggler, a fishy asshole got in my grill, tellin’ me I couldn’t get my chill on the beach...”

“You killed her, wiggler? SPREAD HER GUTS OVER THE BEACH?”

Gamzee scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I had to do that. It was my first kill.”

“Wicked...”

Equius stared at Gamzee. He hadn’t known his highblood friend gotten his first kill in wigglerhood. It was hard to imagine young Gamzee killing anything. However, he remembered one night when they were around five sweeps he trolled Gamzee the baked clown had acted funny, like he was uneasy about something. When Equius politely demanded an explanation, Gamzee said he had seatroll problems. Equius had thought Gamzee meant Eridan but Eridan didn’t know anything about it. That must have been the night Gamzee landed his first kill. Equius wished Gamzee had been upfront about that at the time. The young highblood should have been proud.

The Grand Highblood traced the junior Subjuggulator’s scars in the air with his fingers. “And them scars? HOW DID YOU GET THEM?”

“I got myself a prisoner and I was all supposed to take care of her but some dumbass motherfucker didn’t check her up enough for weapons and she schicked out her claws and marked me.”

The Grand Highblood laughed. “Damn, that’s motherfuckin’ funny. DID YOU CRUSH HER WRIST?”

“In one squeeze, your Capriciousness.”

The Grand Highblood did a fist pump and went “whoop whoop” and Gamzee followed suit. Equius stayed quiet.

When the Cultists quieted down, the Grand Highblood turned to Equius. “And you...WHEN DID YOU GET YOUR FIRST KILLING ON?”

Equius proudly proclaimed, “I have worked to put down insurrections as an Archeridicator.”

The Grand Highblood snorted. “Ha, you didn’t kill before then?”

He replied sheepishly, “In my wigglerhood I beat an exceeding quality of robots to death.”

“Just robots? THINGS THAT AIN’T FEELING PAIN? And you probably aim above the aliens’ heads BECAUSE YOU CAN’T BEAR KILLING.”

There had been one or two times when Equius did that but each time he ended up accidentally killing the target anyway. “I...I don’t have a bad record.”

“I know you are a vegetarian.”

“Am I going to be punished for that?”

“I like vegetarians. THEY TASTE BETTER. But I ain’t here to punish a motherfucker for anything.”

Both guests let out a relieved sigh.

“Then, what do you want with us, your Capriciousness?” Equius asked, “If it’s acceptable for me to ask, that is.”

“Is this shit holy, your Capriciousness?” Gamzee asked.

“I can’t blame you motherfuckers for being curious. ANY MOTHERFUCKER WOULD BE CURIOUS. But it’s a long story so sit tight.”

The guests sat very tight.

“You know Alternia?” he began, “THAT OLD ROCK OF OURS? It’s filled up with tunnels and catacombs AND ALL SORTS OF BADASS SHIT. A motherfucker could spend their life spelunking AND NEVER FIND IT ALL. That’s what I love about Alternia...”

“Are we gonna search them places?” Gamzee asked.

“No, I’m talking about a place that’s been searched. A PLACE JUST FOUND A PERIGEE AGO. There was an infidel temple TO A FROG OF ALL THINGS but frogs ain’t important at all. IT’S WHAT WAS NEXT TO THE TEMPLE. Deep down in the ground...A PUPPET.”

Gamzee gasped. “A puppet!”

While Equius asked, “So, it was a special puppet?”

“The most miracle puppet MY EYES EVER BEHELD. Our Mother’s Helpers recognized it was special AND BROUGHT IT TO ME. The puppet is now in THAT ARK.”

He pointed behind the guests at the ark.

“Are we gonna see it?” Gamzee asked expectantly.

The Grand Highblood wagged his finger. “It ain’t for your eyes AND DEFINITELY NOT FOR THIS INFIDEL’S EYES. Besides, it ain’t have no eyes anymore.”

Gamzee sighed disappointedly. Equius wondered if puppets meant something in the Cult that he couldn’t understand.

The Grand Highblood continued, “But before I scooped out its eyes AND SWALLOWED THEM, it showed me its truth. THE WHOLE TRUTH.”

Gamzee made a fist pump and yelled, “The truth!”

“Shut up AND LET ME SAY THE TRUTH! Anyway, four sweeps ago, there was this miraculous game THAT CHANGED OUR UNIVERSE. Twelve wigglers of the rainbow WERE TO PLAY THAT GAME. And two of them were y’all two motherfuckers.”

“I didn’t play any games as a wiggler,” Equius announced defensively.

“I said you WERE to play that game, not that you did. THE GAME NEVER HAPPENED. The mustardblood never finished it AND DOOMED YOU ALL.”

“I was never friends with any mustardblood.”

“SHUT UP. I know you knew Sollux Captor. YOU KNEW HIM BEFORE HE FLEW INTO THE SUN. You worked on a project AND IT FAILED.”

“What project, I...” Equius was suddenly hit with painful memories. After Aradia died, he and Sollux had tried to put her soul in a robot but failed. Her fatalistic ghost faded away though they begged her to stay. It was probably all for the best since her death was justified but it still felt wrong to Equius. He wondered if he had a flush crush on her. Captor certainly did though he denied it. “The Aradia project was just an experiment in robotics.”

“And the experiment failed AND SHE FAILED YOU. She was supposed to kick this bitch DOWN THE STAIRS.”

“Kick a...Serket was involved?” Equius whispered to himself.

The Grand Highblood caught on somehow. “Yeah, your false pirate friend was involved too. AND DON’T GO DENYING YOU KNOW HER. We know where wigglers live.” He waved his hand dismissively. “Besides, the bitch’s think pan got broke a couple sweeps ago.”

Gamzee whooped and said, “Wish that got happenin’ sooner and I did the happenin’.”

“You whoop, boy, but SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN INSTRUMENTAL. She would have been on your team. FUNNY, AIN’T IT?”

“Makara was the leader of the team?” Equius asked.

“Naw, and here’s the funny part: THE MUTANT WAS THE LEADER OF HIS TEAM.”

“Sollux Captor?”

“That ain’t the mutant I’m talking about. I mean a bigger mutant.” He pointed at Gamzee’s bottle. “THE MUTANT WITH THE RED POP BLOOD.”

Gamzee sputtered his soda. It was Karkat Vantas the Grand Highblood was talking about, Gamzee was sure of it. He was alarmed at this sudden news but as a wiggler he had often thought Karkat must have some special color of blood. Gamzee’s favorite color after purple was red and the one he had called “best friend” had that color. Gamzee wondered for the first time in a long time if there was some romantic connection between him and Karkat but he found the idea too painful to think about. Besides, the lawgirl also loved red and she and Karkat never got together as much as Gamzee tried.

Equius also figured the Grand Highblood was talking about Vantas. The proper troll wasn’t going to admit it though. “I don’t understand. Who?” he asked the Grand Highblood.

“Which one of you typed in grey text? IT WAS HIM. He was Gamzee’s leader. AND YOURS, in the end.”

“I would never allow a mutant to be my leader, especially not a tactical midget obsessed with insipid movies.”

“So you do know who I’m talking about,” the Grand Highblood teased.

Equius bowed his head. “I never knew he had red blood.”

“And he,” the Grand Highblood pointed at Gamzee, “Was your so-called ‘best friend’. EVEN THOUGH HE WASN’T FIT TO LICK THE DIRT OFF YOUR CLUBS. He never appreciated you.”

Gamzee said blankly, “Motherfucker was a buffalo.”

“And NOW HE’S DEAD. Dumbfuck died of exposure in the wilderness. We didn’t even get the chance to cull him this time. BUT THAT’S PROBABLY A MIRACLE. This time, no martyr AND NO HERESY.”

Gamzee continued smiling but his pump biscuit hurt at the truth. He hoped the Grand Highblood would get on to happier revelations.

But the Grand Highblood said to Gamzee, “And your other best friend? The brownblood Tavros Nitram. He would have played your team. AND HE WOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED BY THE SPIDER BITCH. Instead, we culled him.”

Gamzee had a hard time controlling himself. “My brother didn’t deserve that!” He then put his hands on his lips.

The Grand Highblood just smiled sadly. “I know. THE NITRAMS ARE BEAUTIFUL. I never met your motherfucker. BUT THE SUMMONER...”

He went silent as he dazed off for a minute. His guests did not interrupt him. Gamzee was simply thankful at the time that the Grand Highblood didn’t killed him. 

The Grand Highblood suddenly said, “But in the Game, YOU GOT TO KISS YOUR NITRAM.”

He winked and Gamzee whooped.

“And let’s see...your burnt eye sister would have played BUT INSTEAD SHE GOT CULLED. Never saw that coming. You could have kissed her, BUT YOU DIDN’T.”

“I ain’t ever been wantin’ to kiss her.”

The Grand Highblood finally looked angry. “Maybe Pyrope would have been a better kisser THAN YOU DESERVE.”

“Um, not sayin’ I dislike her, just...I don’t know.”

The Grand Highblood shrugged. He then pointed at Equius. “And your pale sis, YOUR WIGGLERHOOD LOVE, would’ve PLAYED THE GAME. You protected her UNTIL THE END when you FAILED.”

“How did I fail her again?” Equius asked frantically.

The Grand Highblood wagged his finger at Equius. “Impatient wiggler, DON’T GET AHEAD IN THE STORY.”

Equius bowed his head. “Sorry.”

“Now where was I...there was Meenah...no, it was her last WEAKASS heiress. The fuschiablood didn’t lead BUT SHE CAST HER MAGIC. She’s dead, of course. Y’ALL READ THE NEWS, OF COURSE.”

The guests nodded.

He continued, “Her prince went down with her. AND IN THE GAME HE MIGHT HAVE BOUGHT Y’ALL DOWN. He got a traitor’s end.

“And as for your last player? I KILLED HER MYSELF. Except I didn’t know who she was at the time. SHE WAS JUST ONE OF THE POOR JADEBLOODS WHO GAVE ME THE PUPPET. Poor Kanaya Maryam.”

Gamzee laughed. Not only was it ironic what happened to her, he had never liked her much in the first place. She had never trusted him for some reason, thinking there was something shifty about him. She didn’t like him being around Tavros. Gamzee could take other people’s poor opinion of him, he knew he wasn’t much of a troll back then, but everyone else found him trustworthy.

Equius was horrified at Gamzee’s reaction. He had a lot of respect for the jadeblood. Her death was justified, of course, like any death by the Grand Highblood’s hands, but it still felt like a tragedy.

“So that leaves only y’all,” the Grand Highblood concluded mournfully, “of the twelve players. The Game that was supposed to be played CAN NEVER BE PLAYED AT ALL.”

“But maybe us two motherfuckers can still play the Game?” Gamzee suggested, “There’s at least two of us here.”

The Grand Highblood laid back and looked at the ceiling. “True, y’all only need two to play the Game BUT IT’S TOO LATE. The Game has already been played AND WILL NEVER BE PLAYED.”

Both guests went “Huh?”

Gamzee asked, “Um, could you be enlightenin’ us?”

The Grand Highblood bowed his head and put his index fingers on each side of his temples. “How to explain, that’s the motherfucker,” he muttered.

Gamzee and Equius waited while he gathered his thoughts.

The Grand Highblood asked, “Y’all know where grubs come from, RIGHT?”

“Yes, I’m certain even Makara knows that,” Equius answered.

“So where do they come from?”

“Um, well, when the Mother Grub really loves trollkind, she takes the various...fluids...and uses them to make grubs.”

Gamzee added, “And the fluids come when motherfuckers are comin’ into pails.”

Equius looked at Gamzee. “That goes without saying.”

“But all us motherfuckers here DIDN’T COME FROM NO MOTHER GRUB.”

Gamzee said awkwardly, “I guess in a cosmic sense we came from-”

“All us here CAME FROM METEORS.”

“You mean, the flying rocks from outer space?” Equius asked.

“Uh, what scripture that be from?” Gamzee asked.

“It’s in the records. OR RATHER, NOT IN THE RECORDS. Y’all see, you and your doomed friends don’t appear in hatching records. BUT Y’ALL’S NAMES ARE IN THE SETTLEMENT RECORDS. It’s a mystery how that happened...I suspect a certain dainty little hand.” The Grand Highblood sighed. “Anyway, I came from a meteor too, THOUGH THERE WASN’T AS MANY RECORD BACK THEN. All of y’all’s Ancestors came from meteors.”

Gamzee ventured, “You comin’ from a meteor...does that make you my Ancestor?”

The Grand Highblood laughed dervisely. “You hadn’t figured it out till now? WE BOTH LOOK ALIKE.” He pointed to the broken symbol on his bathrobe. “And our signs right here!”

“I didn’t know I was something so wicked.”

“And do you know who my Ancestor was?” Equius asked.

“I knew that motherfucker very well. HE WAS THE HIGHEST EXECUTOR. Until he was the lowest expatriate. HIS NAME WAS DARKLEER. He betrayed me for an ungrateful snotblood. BUT HE LOOKED WICKED IN HIS UNIFORM.”

Equius was filled with shame that his Ancestor was less than perfect. Meanwhile, Gamzee noticed that the Grand Highblood was looking Equius up and down like he was comparing Equius to his Ancestor.

The Grand Highblood stopped ogling Equius and continued. “And y’all friend’s Ancestors? I KNEW THEM ALL. Feferi’s, y’all already know, UNLESS YOU’RE STUPID. Eridan’s was ORPHANER DUALSCAR, the UNFUNNIEST privateer ever. Vriska’s was a SLIGHTLY better pirate who went around calling herself MARQUIS MINDFANG. Terezi’s...she was that pirate’s finest victim. Kanaya’s was an errant cavern maiden. Nepeta’s was the UNGRATEFUL SNOTBLOOD yours betrayed me for. Sollux’s was...well, is...a ship, THE FASTEST IN THE FLEET, Tavros’ was a rebel with WICKED WINGS. Karkat’s was a FALSE PREACHER who maybe wasn’t so false BUT HIS DEATH WAS SURE FUNNY. And the greatest of them all...is the rustblood Aradia’s. SHE’S THE MOTHERFUCKING DEMONESS.”

Gamzee honked and Equius shuddered at the name.

Equius asked, “The Demoness...exists?”

Gamzee muttered, “I thought she had that lime blood.”

The Grand Highblood didn’t notice their fear and instead looked off to the side. “Hmmmm...she should be still alive...it’s been too long since I’ve seen her...”

The guests waited for the Grand Highblood to continue.

The Grand Highblood looked back at them and clapped his hands. “And there, THAT’S THEM ALL. I don’t have time to tell ALL THE SEX STORIES. The point is, none of us came from sex. WE ALL CAME FROM THE GAME.”

“The Game that didn’t happen?” Equius asked.

“That’s the rub of it. THE GAME SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. The effects of the Game happened BUT NOT THE GAME ITSELF.”

“Ahh, it’s a motherfuckin’ mystical mystery,” Gamzee commented as if he understood.

“It’s all about THE CAUSALITY.”

“What were we supposed to win in the Game?” Equius asked.

“You won NOTHING. You almost won BUT THE KING OF ANGEL GANKED YOUR PRIZE. Our universe was DESTROYED and y’all didn’t have a new one.”

“So, is it good that we didn’t play the Game?”

“THE STORY DON’T END THERE. You see, while y’all were huddled up hiding, OUR LITTLE MAKARA FOUND THE GODS.”

“Where?” Gamzee asked.

The Grand Highblood pointed at the ark. “In the puppet. But...” He sat up and poked Gamzee in the chest on his bare skin. “In here.”

Gamzee rubbed the spot the Grand Highblood touched. “I be knowin’ the Messiahs are always up in the pump biscuit of the believers but...you mean...”

“Messiahs weren’t just in your pump biscuit...THEY WERE YOUR PUMP BISCUIT. You were a part of God.”

Gamzee clasped his palms together and looked to the ceiling. “Holy Motherfuck!”

“And not just him...” The Grand Highblood poked Equius. “YOU TOO WERE GOD.”

The young Cultist’s head whipped to the unbeliever in the block. “Him? This no-class buffalo motherfucker was going to being a God? That’s Straight-A bullshit!”

The buffalo turned to Gamzee and pleaded, “I’m so sorry, highblood – younger highblood, I mean – for not saving Tavros’ life...”

The younger highblood growled, “It’s not motherfuckin’ that – not only just motherfuckin’ that. Your punkass trolled me every night to shit on me and tell me that I was a nothin’ all while actin’ like you was a friend. Fuck you!”

“I didn’t know you felt that way, highblood.”

“Don’t fuckin’ call me highblood like you always done when you were dissing me. I’m motherfucking Private Makara!”

“Yes, sir, Private Makara.”

“Say ‘yeah Makara’ and don’t act like you’re droolin’ on my nook when you’re just drippin’ acid.”

“Um..yes, Makara.”

Gamzee snorted and sat back on his cushion feeling satisfied for the first time in a long time. It was ruined when he saw the Grand Highblood looking at him. Gamzee couldn’t tell if the old troll was displeased or not by this private fight made public.

“I thought you were friends,” the Grand Highblood remarked.

“Uh, it’s just a little disagreement,” Equius replied, “We are friends, it’s just we’ve grown apart.”

“Don’t mean to make no fuss,” Gamzee apologized, though he didn’t agree with Equius’ statement that they were friends.

The Grand Highblood mused, “THE WORD FOR FRIENDS IS THE SAME AS THE WORD FOR ENEMY.”

“Yes, it’s a very good saying,” Equius replied.

“I didn’t always get along with your Ancestor,” the Grand Highblood said menacingly.

“I am so sorry on the behalf of my Ancestor.”

“THE MOTHERFUCKER DIED ALONE AND UNLOVED. He got his in the end. DON’T NEED TO APOLOGIZE.”

“So,” the young Cultist asked, “how’d we would get to be Gods?”

The Grand Highblood pointed at the ark. “Again, IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THE PUPPET. Your souls would be sucked into that puppet AND FUSED TOGETHER FOR ETERNITY.”

Gamzee and Equius both looked horrified at the Grand Highblood.

He said soothingly, “It ain’t all easy BEING CHOSEN. I know AND I AIN’T EVEN AS CHOSEN AS Y’ALL.”

“But...I’m not one of the Family,” Equius whispered, “I made no vows of allegiance.”

“My infidel wiggler,” the Grand Highblood replied without anger, “A MOTHERFUCKER CAN’T STOP A MIRACLE.”

“Did I up and agree?” Gamzee asked.

“You were lying on the floor HALF A CORPSE but I’m sure as motherfuck it was the most important half. And you...” He turned to Equius. “Were already fused with a FUCKING COMPUTER of all things.”

“How did I achieve that?” Equius asked.

“WHO CARES? Motherfucking computers...”

“HOW DO THEY WORK?” the Cultists chanted together.

“And the fourth soul, THE HOLIEST SOUL, was motherfucking God himself.”

“I’m very confused...” Equius mumbled.

“And God’s name...was CALIBORN. Born a twin OF TWIN SNAKES.”

“Hmm, Caliborn,” Gamzee whispered to himself, “I got me a likin’ for that name.”

“The Holy Vessel passed through many UNWORTHY hands...till it reached THIS HERE young Cultist. And the Holy Vessel had a mission to carry out.”

“What would I be up to?” the young Cultist asked.

The Grand Highblood pointed at Equius. “Freeing his soul FROM HIS FILTHY SWEATY BODY.”

“He performed an exorcism on me...do Cultists have exorcisms?” Equius asked.

“He would do it the easy but fun way: STRANGLE YOUR BREATH OF LIFE AWAY.”

“Killing?” the guests cried out at once, though only Equius pronounced the “g”.

“And y’all BOTH ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH.”

“I can’t imagine me enjoying my own death, no matter how justified,” the victim lied. 

“And he also killed your pale sis when she tried to revenge you. WHAT YOU THINK OF THAT, PALE BOY?”

The pale boy’s head whipped to Gamzee. “You killed Nepeta? Why? How could you do that to her?”

The would-be murderer of Nepeta leaned away from his angry former friend. “Hey, I only would be doin’ that in another universe.”

“And yet YOU STILL GOT THE SAME SCARS in this here universe THAT YOU WOULD OF GOT IN THAT UNIVERSE.” The Grand Highblood laughed.

Gamzee leaned towards the Grand Highblood. “And Nepeta’s death was gonna be motherfuckin’ important, at the least?” he asked hopefully.

The Grand Highblood shook his head. “Not really...BUT IT WAS FUNNY.”

Gamzee sat back on the couch and touched his scar gently. He didn’t know why he felt guilty about something he never did. It wasn’t like the Grand Highblood saw that hypothetical act as a sin.

“And there was BLOOD EVERYWHERE in that universe. Motherfuckers DYING and RE-DYING and it was MORBID and FUNNY and full of IRONY. I could blabber on about it ALL MOTHERFUCKING NIGHT AND DAY. But I’ll get to the point.”

He pointed to both of them. “Y’all are what I’ve been waiting for SINCE I COULD KNOW MIRACLES. When I was hatched, OUR CONDESCE WAS ONLY IN HER FIRST COUPLE CENTURIES. The Cult of the Mirthful Messiahs was only TWO THOUSAND SWEEPS OLD. The scripture was STILL BEING WRITTEN. Haters thought we were a STUPID SODA CULT. But we GREW IN POWER. My Condesce saw this. SHE PROMOTED US. The office of Grand Highblood BECAME THE GREATEST OFFICE IN THE EMPIRE. And after centuries of hard work I WAS BLESSED WITH THAT OFFICE. She thinks I’m a nasty ass clown BUT I’M HER NASTY ASS CLOWN.” He winked. “And she isn’t above getting down with the clown on occasion.

“Anyway, I never stopped believing in THE COMING OF THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS. I knew they would come IN MY NIGHTS. I knew if I was in danger MIRACLES WOULD SAVE ME. When I was young, THE DANGER CAME FROM OUTSIDE. But as I grew old, MY BODY BECAME A DANGER. Many highblood trolls let themselves die RATHER THAN FACE OLD AGE. Old age comes with MANY INDIGNITIES. I am surrounded my GODDAMN medicullers. I won’t tell y’all wigglers all the DISGUSTING medical procedures I have to go through. I imbibed the spring water back in this planet’s rainbow age AND IT WAS DISGUSTING EVEN THEN. I still exercise THOUGH MY BONES HATE ME FOR IT. I’ve had to WATCH MY DIET. I only drink soda IN MODERATION though if the damn medicullers had their way I’d never get any elixir. I ain’t got nothing lit in my mouth FOR A CENTURY. Many a night I grumbled that IT WASN’T WORTH IT. But the Mirthful Messiahs answered that IT WAS MOTHERFUCKING WORTH IT.”

The Grand Highblood turned from scowling to a smile. “And now, here before me, are the motherfucking MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS.”

Gamzee beamed with pride. However, the Grand Highblood turned again to scowling.

“But don’t y’all think I ain’t a little DISAPPOINTED. I got for messiahs Y’ALL FOOLS. One of them AIN’T EVEN FAMILY. You, Gamzee, are my Descendant but you AIN’T AS GOOD AS ME. When your motherfucking ass reached inspection, you were UNDERWEIGHT AND ADDICTED. To sopor slime OF ALL SHIT! Couldn’t you have at least found some leaves or mushrooms? I had to pull some strings TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING CULLED. And you, DARKLEER JUNIOR, your record ain’t so shiny. You have the WORST HIT RECORD of your branch. And last of all, Y’ALL ARE WIGGLERS. You aren’t FULL SIZED.”

The Mirthful Messiahs’ hearts dropped.

“But that ain’t stopping me. I ain’t got the time to wait FOR Y’ALL TO BE FULL ADULT. The Condesce can’t help both me AND HER PET LOWBLOOD. I might die, OR Y’ALL MIGHT DIE. But first, I’m gonna see y’all join together.”

Gamzee asked, “We goin’ in the puppet?”

“The time for the puppet IS PAST. All it could do is IMPART ITS VISION. No, I mean joinin’ in a romantic way.”

The guests looked blankly the host. The host sighed and held up one hand with his fingers making an O. He put his other index finger through the hole. Equius gasped and Gamzee honked.

“With him?” Gamzee objected, “He ain’t Family.”

“I have fucked HUNDREDS OF TROLLS who weren’t believers. And those trolls weren’t no MIRTHFUL MESSIAH.”

“Will we have chemical assistance?” the other Mirthful Messiah asked.

“I never did like THE DRONE’S PHEROMONES. Makes trolls HURRY too much. We got ALL MOTHERFUCKING DAY, not five minutes. Besides, y’all are young. Y’all don’t need help GETTING THE BLOOD PUMPING.” He pointed at Equius. “Especially you. I know you POPPED A WIGGLY during inspection.”

Equius blushed.

The Grand Highblood continued, “And I hope your nook get JUST AS WET as the rest of you BECAUSE YOU’RE GETTING SOME MAKARA IN YOU.”

Gamzee pointed to himself. “I’m toppin’?”

“YOU’VE NEVER TOPPED BEFORE, WIGGLER?”

“Mostly I just did bulge wranglin’.”

“You better SCHOOLFEED QUICK.”

Equius croaked, “I think, I’ll take a drink now.”

“I knew you would EVENTUALLY.”

The teetotaler took a blue soda and downed half of it quickly. He burped and tasted more of it then than on the way down. His head was spinning but he didn’t know if it was the soda or the entire situation. The Grand Highblood finished his own Rock ‘n Rye and set it down on the table.

“Now, good wigglers,” he drawled, “STAND UP AND TAKE OFF THOSE ROBES.”

The messiahs immediately stood up and shed their robes at his booming command; Equius had to peel his wet robe off his moist skin. The Grand Highblood nodded in approval.

“Okay, now TURN YOURSELVES AROUND FOR ME.”

The messiahs turned around once in place. The Grand Highblood’s eyes were all over them.

“The Empire’s done some MIGHTY FINE TRAINING with y’all. Y’all are motherfucking SCULPTED. Gamzee, how’d they grow a little twig like you were into a BIG OLD TRUNK? You got a lot of carving on you but THAT JUST MAKES YOU MORE BEAUTIFUL. And Equius, I knew it must have been easy getting you STRONG but you are in proportion! Don’t see that every night. Y’all are MIRACLES.”

The Mirthful Messiahs’ egos swelled again after the talking down they received just half a minute ago. Equius felt something else swell between his legs. He looked down and the tip of his indigo bulge was coming out of his folds. Though he knew at some point he’d have to get aroused he felt embarrassed it was happening so quickly. Gamzee looked down at his forced partner’s crouch and felt jealous and disgusted Equius was having such an easy time getting aroused.

The Grand Highblood noted, “At least one of y’all’s GETTING READY. Looking good from JUST THAT TIP.”

“Thank you, your Capriciousness,” Equius replied.

“Now SIT BACK DOWN.”

The two sat down again, this time right next to each other. They looked at the Grand Highblood expectantly and he looked back at them the same way.

“Go on,” he finally boomed, “GET GOING!”

The two turned to face each other. Gamzee took a deep breath and quickly put his right hand between his partner’s legs. They both turned back to the Grand Highblood when they heard him snort angrily.

“What the Hell are you doing, Gamzee? IS THIS HOW YOU MAKE LOVE TO YOUR MATESPIRT? No foreplay, JUST SHOVE YOUR DRY FINGERS UP THEIR NOOK? Y’all wigglers don’t know SHIT about SEX.”

“What all should I be doin’?” Gamzee asked.

“You could AT LEAST kiss.”

Gamzee took his hand off Equius’ crotch and put it on the back of his neck. He had to sit up a little until his mouth reached his taller partner’s. Their lips met in a tepid closed-mouth kiss.

The Grand Highblood groaned again. “YOU CALL THAT A KISS?”

Equius uncharacteristically decided to be more forward. He kissed the young highblood as strongly as he could without hurting him. Trace face paint got into the unbeliever’s mouth. That was a detail the pubescent Equius had ignored in his confused fantasies of the young highblood, though kissing rarely came up at all in his scenarios with the young highblood. The taste was off-putting but Equius was still excited.

Gamzee had expected Equius’ mouth would taste like old cheese and indeed Gamzee was right. He imagined the alternate timeline where he got to kiss Tavros. The brownblood troll would have tasted like chocolate.

The Grand Highblood said, “Hmmmm, Y’ALL GOT YOUR MACKING ON. Now let them graspers wander.”

Though in sweeps past Equius would have left bruises just patting someone, he had learned to control his strength. His hands lightly slided over his partner’s back. Though he had seen the young Subjuggulator naked at this point, Equius was still surprised to find so many hard ridges of scar tissue. The life of the Subjuggulator must be harder than he thought. Were all the scars from his prisoners, like the ones on his face? Or did his schoolfeeders whip him for his likely numerous mistakes? Or did he flaggate himself as part of his odd cult? Equius was caught between pity and jealousy. He personally had a high tolerance for pain and didn’t mark easily.

Gamzee could put more force in his touch than Equius. He kneaded the super muscular troll’s tense back. Equius’ muscles were like boulders. However, his skin was bumpy with acne and pockmarks, likely from the only-just-adult’s sweat problem. Gamzee would need to introduce him to one of the Cult’s secrets for clear skin. Assuming he and Equius would ever associate with each other after this awkward moment.

Equius’ hands went along the slight curve of Gamzee’s body. The male troll had rather wide hips for his sex. This androgyny fit with Gamzee’s voice. The voice had deepened since puberty but it still had the lilt of a female. Oddly, Equius always thought the purpleblood sounded a little like Pyrope even though Pyrope used syntax that made sense. The masculine troll found Gamzee’s androgyny interesting.

Gamzee’s hands went down to Equius’ crack line. Equius lifted himself a little in response and Gamzee cupped that choice ass. Gamzee had imagined Equius was the type to have a painfully flat ass (hence the grumpy troll’s grumpiness) but Equius had a nice bubble for sitting and other things.

After some time, they both pulled away and panted. Gamzee was enjoying their sloppy makeouts more than he thought he would, or at least the hugging part. He didn’t get to hug enough people in his life. It was a hug that was only strong on one end, but it was a hug.

He felt on his stomach a wet bulge and he looked down to see it was indigo and enormous and belonged to Equius. It was the size of a wiggler’s forearm and just a thick. The smaller troll used to believe Equius was small down there because his ex-friend Karkat always harped on about how the musclebeast-loving troll was obviously compensating (and Karkat would bring this up at the oddest times). Eventually, Gamzee grew to like that idea. However, now it turned out Equius was just like the musclebeasts he worshipped. Well, the musclebeast troll’s bulge looked ridiculously oversized, Gamzee told himself. 

Checking on himself, he looked down at his crouch to find it was still smooth. When he touched the lips of his nook, he felt slight moisture but not enough. He remembered he had never had sex without pheromones before. What would his Ancestor do if he couldn’t perform?

Equius’ eyes followed Gamzee’s and he noticed his highblood partner wasn’t aroused. The indigoblood felt like a failure. What was the turnoff? Was it his acne or his broken horn or his crocked nose or some other flaw? Though it was wrong, Equius felt some resentment over being rejected by Gamzee. The noble purpleblood was no prize either; he was short and skinny and his nose was too bulbous and his lips were too lusciously full. Yet despite himself, Equius was aroused by this tiny clown’s touch. Not even the thoughts of his eminent punishment by a disappointed Grand Highblood could scare his bulge back. Actually, those thoughts drove Equius on.

The Grand Highblood had been mostly just grunting and humming but now he spoke for the first time in ten minutes. “Damn, Zahhak, that’s some motherfucking bulge there. LET ME GET A LOOK AT IT.”

The messiahs turned to the Grand Highblood. The more prepared one of the two opened his meaty thighs to show his fully-extended bulge and expanded pulsating nook. The Grand Highblood whistled at the sight.

“Look at how ready you are! AND YOU WERE ALL RELUCTANT BEFORE!” He turned to Gamzee. “Let’s see how you’re doing.”

The other messiah opened up his thighs. The Grand Highblood sighed.

“You got this prime specimen here AND YOU DON’T GIVE A DAMN?”

“My bad, your Capriciousness.”

“I guess Zahhak needs to do some servicing. ZAHHAKS ARE GOOD AT THAT. At least until they betray a motherfucker.”

“S-service?” asked Equius.

The Grand Highblood made a V with his fingers and wiggled his long grey tongue between them. Gamzee honked but Equius looked confused.

“Your tongue, fool!” the Grand Highblood yelled, “LICK HIM FROM HIS NECK DOWN TO HIS NOOK and eat out a motherfucker.”

Equius swallowed. He had heard of oral sex before and remembered being surprised nook-eating and bulging-eating was something trolls actually did and weren’t just foul curses. Though he was disgusted at the practice, he found it fascinating. He hadn’t had the guts to tell any of his partners he wanted to try it; he already was seen as creepy and didn’t want to push it. Now he would have the chance to do it. He wished it was in a more relaxed environment.

Gamzee leaned back to accommodate Equius. Equius started on Gamzee’s neck as told. With one lick, his partner shivered and honked. Equius took his head away.

“No, go on bro, it’s feels good,” Gamzee whispered to Equius.

Equius obeyed the young highblood and continued licking his neck. The purpleblood’s sweat had an odd taste to it that reminded Equius of the chemical aftertaste of the soda he chugged. Equius was mentally lecturing Gamzee on his diet but he was also excited to taste the young highblood. At least the young highblood didn’t taste like sopor.

Gamzee felt Equius’ teeth scrape him every few minutes and Gamzee imagined those teeth biting him. Equius’ teeth had gotten much better since the last time Gamzee saw him. Apparently, he had gotten rid of his bad habit of breaking them. The clean sharp teeth would make better marks now. However, the strong troll was just as likely to accidentally bite his partner’s head off, so Gamzee wasn’t going to ask for a little bite. Especially since they weren’t in love. Licking was more than fine enough. The tongue tickled in such a wicked way.

Equius’ tongue went down his partner’s neck down to his chest and Gamzee sighed as if disappointed. However, Equius really wanted a nipple in his mouth. Though he did find males and masculinity attractive, he always found it a shame males didn’t have rumble spheres. Scientists said it was odd that any troll had rumble spheres but Equius found them a work of art. He loved having his own pecs played with. Gamzee’s pecs were a great change from the sunken chest he had as a teenager. The typical Subjuggulator posture hadn’t shown how well-formed they had gotten.

Yet Equius did manage to tear himself away from Gamzee’s chest and slide down his partner’s stomach. When Equius previously saw him, he had a paunch. Now he had a decent six pack. The lean clown arched his back even more as Equius licked him down. His belly moved up and down as he breathed heavily and his abdomen clenched up every other breath.

The Grand Highblood spoke, “Put your ankles over Equius’ shoulders BECAUSE HE’S GOING DOWN.”

Gamzee looked startled by the Grand Highblood’s command. However, he lifted his legs up and Equius got under them. He positioned himself until his face was right in front of the young highblood’s genitals. He could smell the arousal off of them. The seedflaps had opened up a little since Equius last saw them and even that little bit was exquisite to him. He took a small experimental lick along the base of the nook. The juices were strange, not dissimilar to Gamzee’s sweat, but it was thicker in texture. He wondered if he should go slow or go fast. However, the Grand Highblood voiced his opinion.

“Stop just looking, wiggler. JAM IN YOUR TONGUE.”

Gamzee heard Equius take a deep breath before the bottom stuck his tongue deep in his nook without ceremony. Gamzee honked at the sudden intrusion, as small as it was, but he soon got used to it and loved it. The tongue was like a tiny tentabulge. It made him wonder what it would feel like to have something bigger in there. However, Gamzee had been charged with topping. It was unlikely he could fit Equius’ bulge in him even if the Grand Highblood wanted the opposite.

The Grand Highblood made his orders known again. “Grab his hair and FUCK HIS FACE.”

Gamzee wanted to do that anyway. He grabbed Equius’ long hair, marveling at how silky it was despite its owner’s sweat problem. He then thrusted his pelvis into Equius’ face while pulling his hair. He could hear a muffled surprised hum come from Equius and he imagined suffocating Equius this way. He thought it funny that in one universe he strangled Equius with his hands and in this universe he was ready to strangle the peasantblood with his nook.

Still, his bulge needed some space to burst free. After some thrusts, he pulled Equius’ head back and let his bulge slide free. He pet the appendage, thankful for its appearance. He was happy until he saw Equius’ disappointed face.

Equius had always thought that despite having a slight figure, the young highblood had a magnificent bulge to make up for it. The bulge before him was a pitiful thing. It easily fit in Equius’ palm. Even with all the growing and bulking his wigglerhood friend went through, Gamzee hadn’t had much progress between his legs. Equius could not suppress a treasonous moan of disappointment.

The Grand Highblood heard this. “What are you so DISAPPOINTED about, infidel?”

Equius suddenly sat up on his knee at this rebuke, putting Gamzee’s bulge into view. The Grand Highblood squinted at it and his Descendent didn’t feel good about his Ancestor’s look. Gamzee had never had the bad experience of someone looking down at his bulge. That was because all his partners ever cared about was if he could ejaculate in a timely matter. He had never been expected to use his bulge in anyone’s nook. Now he had the head of the Subjuggulators demanding he fill up the possibly size-proportionate nook of a large troll. Would the Grand Highblood change his mind on who would top?

The Grand Highblood stopped squinting and shrugged. “It’ll get bigger on the second spurt. AND THE INFIDEL WILL GET TIGHTER SOON.”

Gamzee breathed out a honk as if relieved but Equius was caught on the second part.

“Um, how should I get...tighter?” he asked.

“Y’all see in a minute. BUT FOR NOW, Y’ALL SHOULD KISS.”

Gamzee looked at Equius’ purple smeared face with disgust.

“Oh come on, Gamzee my wiggler,” the Grand Highblood chided, “YOU USED TO EAT BOOGER PIES.”

“I ain’t been doing that in a long time,” Gamzee muttered, feeling a little hurt.

“Don’t your loyal servant DESERVE A KISS?”

Gamzee gave in and licking Equius’ face. He was surprised to find how much he liked the taste. His disgust gone, he kissed Equius full on the lips. His bulge, formerly cowed by the insult to its size, slipped out again and painted purple on Equius’ stomach. 

“Purple is the wickedest flavor of lube, AIN’T IT, INDIGOBLOOD?” the Grand Highblood asked.

Equius opened one eye to the Grand Highblood and hummed a reply the best he could with Gamzee attacking his mouth.

“Now, time to get that purple ALL UP IN YOU,” the Grand Highblood announced, “Gamzee, GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BULGE IN HIM right where he is on his motherfucking knees.”

Gamzee took his right hand and parting his partner’s thighs, he fingered the nook between them. The bottom was more than ready. The top pressed his pelvis against the taller troll’s thighs and let his bulge wriggle in where it was meant to be. Soon, it was all the way in. Gamzee was in someone else for the first time and it was wet and wicked for him.

Meanwhile, Equius didn’t realize Gamzee was all the way in until Gamzee said under his breath “There you go.” The bulge had tickled his seedflaps but when inside he could feel only a faint licking on his walls. Even though he knew Gamzee’s bulge was small he still expected to feel more. Still, there was something exciting about having Gamzee pressed up against him, rubbing his stomach against Equius’ bulge and kneading Equius’ butt. The taller troll moaned into the smaller troll’s ear.

The Grand Highblood asked, “You LOVING my Descendant’s bulge, infidel?”

“Yes, Highblood,” Equius moaned to both Makaras.

“Time for a little ANCESTOR now.”

The armchair gave a distracting squeak as the giant troll peeled himself off it. Both messiahs pulled back from each other to see him drop his robe. They beheld the Grand Highblood in all his glory. He wasn’t in perfect shape. His breasts hung like half-filled sacks over his soda belly and his thighs were slabs of fat covered in veins and cellulite. However, his arms were muscular and looked able to strangle a hoofbeast and his calves were that of a marathoner. To top it all off, between his thighs was a bulge worthy of his size and it was wriggling madly with lust. He was an impressive sight to see. He gave a check-splitting grin at the young trolls’ awestruck faces.

“See what the miracle of CLEAN LIVING and LITTLE BLUE SLUGS can accomplish,” he said smugly.

He strolled over to the couch and got behind Equius, making the tall young troll feel small. He put his big paws on Equius’ shoulders and Equius shivered with fear and arousal. He started combing Equius’ hair with his hand. Equius heard him sniff.

“Your sweat smells like Darkleer BUT YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE...what is it?” he casually asked.

“It’s...medicated.”

He sniffed again. “Lavender? DAMN FINE FOR A MEDICATED SHAMPOO. In Darkleer’s nights, MEDICATED SHAMPOO SMELLED LIKE VOMIT.” He chewed some of Equius’ hair. “Bless these nights.”

As his Ancestor put the moves on Equius, Gamzee withdrew and sat back. He wasn’t sure what he should do now.

“You ready for my bulge?” the Grand Highblood asked Equius.

“I...I’m...not certain...”

“IT DON’T MATTER IF YOU ARE READY OR NOT.”

The Grand Highblood then pushed his enormous bone bulge into Equius’ open nook and now the bottom truly knew what it was like to be penetrated. The new bulge stretched the inexperienced Equius out more than he thought he could go. It pushed against his sensitive walls, demanding more space to move. It was meant for the nook of a troll in second adulthood and even then the bulge might have a tight fit. The pain made Equius crack his first tooth in a long time but the pain didn’t stop his own large bulge from wiggling in the air. In fact, the pain made it wiggle more.

Gamzee watched the Grand Highblood’s bulge stretching out Equius’ nook and was torn between thinking “better him than me” and “why couldn’t it be me?”. Equius’ nook was likely more spacious than Gamzee’s but did an infidel like Equius deserve the Grand Highblood’s bone bulge?

The Grand Highblood noticed Gamzee just sitting back on his ass and so the Grand Highblood yelled over Equius’ head, “Little Makara! COME BACK IN HERE. Family’s gonna do it together.”

Equius came out of his bliss on hearing this command. He hadn’t even realized Gamzee had withdrawn, so caught up was he with the Grand Highblood’s bulge. The bottom didn’t think he could take anything else in his nook, even something as small as Gamzee’s bulge. He saw the young highblood look just as uncertain. However, the young highblood obeyed his elder’s command and got back up on his knees to embrace Equius. His tiny bulge managed to slip in between Equius’ soaking nook and the Grand Highblood’s dripping bulge.

Gamzee had thought he was in ecstasy earlier when he was in Equius’ nook, but it was just a damp limp hand job compared to this. The nook was so incredibly tight it almost hurt. He could feel the throb of not just Equius’ pleasure but also the Grand Highblood’s. The Grand Highblood looked down at him and nodded as if in approval.

“Little Makara, YOU LIKING THIS NOOK?”

“Yes, your Capriciousness,” Gamzee hissed.

“Call me Kurloz. WE’RE BOTH FAMILY. Doubly so.”

“Kurloooz,” Gamzee moaned.

“I’ve been waiting so motherfucking long TO HEAR MY DESCENDANT SAY THAT. I love you, my little Makara.”

The Grand Highblood patted the back of Gamzee’s head the best he could with Equius in the way. Gamzee purred at the attention. In his heart he felt a warm feeling, like when his lusus would visit the beach. Sure, it was an odd feeling to have with raging lust, but this was a miraculous joining after all.

Equius was between the Makaras and witnessed their affection. It seemed to him that the elder Makara was using Equius as a proxy to mate with his Descendent but instead of being offended Equius burst with pride and arousal that he was being used by the Grand Highblood of all people. At that point, Equius didn’t care whether or not he was the Grand Highblood’s “messiah”.

However, the Grand Highblood stopped petting his Descendent and started petting Equius’ shoulder.

“Don’t think I’ve FORGOTTEN YOU, other messiah,” he said, “You are motherfucking PART OF THE GODHEAD, though I can’t figure out why.”

The Grand Highblood sneaked his hand in between the two messiahs’ bodies to give the infidel messiah a reacharound.

“See, Gamzee?” he said, “YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKTOYS. Give them a little HAND ACTION.”

Gamzee nodded.

“But you can also go A LITTLE HARD,” the Grand Highblood grunted.

He then thrusted his hips into Equius, pushing a loud groan from the bottom. Gamzee knocked hips against Equius, pushing him back on the Grand Highblood. The two Makaras rocked the lone Zahhak together over and over. The Grand Highblood and Gamzee both took turns stroking Equius’ excited bulge. 

“Equius was MADE FOR YOU and you were MADE FOR HIM and I was made for BOTH OF Y’ALL,” the Grand Highblood crooned as his hands brushed against Gamzee’s.

“Fucking serendipity...” Gamzee moaned.

“Don’t use that midblood movie bullshit, THIS IS A MIRACLE.”

Gamzee then started crying and he didn’t know why. He hadn’t cried when he left his lusus but now in the middle of this happy moment his tears were coming out. He expected punishment from the Grand Highblood for being such a pupa but was surprised to see the Grand Highblood gently smiling.

“Religious moments GET TO YOU, don’t they?”

“Yes, Kurloz.”

“But we ain’t stopping.”

“I don’t wanna stop.”

“Well, I can go for a LONG TIME.”

It hadn’t even been that long and Equius was feeling close. He didn’t know how he should tell them or if he should even tell at all. He had a feeling the two Makaras would continue wriggling inside of him even through his post-orgasm soreness. They might expel within him. He would need to keep as calm as he could. Another tooth broke under his excitement.

Gamzee looked at Equius’ face and noticed his teeth were no longer perfect like they had been earlier today. This brought Gamzee some satisfaction. Yet looking at Equius drooling, Gamzee felt sorry for him. He reached out and gave Equius a magical elixir to drink. After Equius drank it, he looked relieved.

“Thank you, Private Makara,” he gasped.

“Faygo is good shit, right?”

“It’s disgusting...but thanks.”

The Grand Highblood didn’t seem disgusted at Equius’ disgust. Instead, he said, “You messiahs are MIGHTY KIND to each other. WARMS MY PUMP BISCUIT.”

Equius’ punch-drunk smile was warming Gamzee’s pump biscuit too. Gamzee had never thought he would see his friend look so taken with joy. As a wiggler, Gamzee had always wanted his friend to smile at him. As an adult, he had abandoned that wish but now it felt like the greatest miracle come true. This miracle put Gamzee dangerously near the edge.

“I gotta pail!” he called frantically.

The Grand Highblood stopped moving. “SO SOON? It ain’t been a half hour.”

“I’m sorry, Kurloz...just...too much.”

“I’d tell you to pail in our Zahhak BUT HE’D EXPLODE.”

Equius felt that wouldn’t be a bad way to go. However, the Grand Highblood instead decapchalogued a big pail.

Gamzee pulled his bulge out of Equius as soon as the pail hit the floor. He aimed his bulge down and stroked only a couple times before a torrent off purple came out. It felt to Gamzee like he was being completely emptied.

When Equius heard the noise of liquid hitting the pail, it caused a reaction in him and he started despoiling the plastic cover of the couch with his inferior indigo slurry. Gamzee was smart enough to catch some of it in the pail.

The orgasms of the young adults didn’t set off the ancient troll. The Grand Highblood’s huge bulge remained in Equius’ oversensitive body. Though it hurt, Equius was still in his post-coital high and though the physical pleasure was gone it felt so emotionally good to be used by the Grand Highblood.

Gamzee wasn’t feeling joy but an anxiousness that he failed his Ancestor. Even though the younger Makara hadn’t been directly pleasuring the elder, the younger knew the elder was having fun watching him fuck young Zahhak. The Grand Highblood hadn’t gotten a twicegasm.

However, the Grand Highblood said with much smug satisfaction, “So the Messiahs had a SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM. That’s a goddamn miracle AND I WITNESSED IT. Can I get a ‘whoop whoop’?”

“Whoop whoop,” the Messiahs responded breathlessly.

“Even the infidel KNOW’S WHAT RIGHT.” The Grand Highblood gave a thrust for emphasis.

Gamzee relaxed now and watched his Ancestor’s bulge fill another troll’s nook. As exhausted as Gamzee was, he still wanted to be the one getting that bulge.

“Stop lying around,” the Grand Highblood snapped, “AND KISS YOUR KURLOZ now that you can.”

Gamzee stepped around the bucket and stood next to his leader’s side. He kissed the Grand Highblood’s cheek and the Grand Highblood turned his body around as much as he could while still in Equius and kissed Gamzee full on the mouth. The Grand Highblood kissed like he could suck Gamzee’s soul out of his body and become one with his Descendant. His Descendant felt overwhelmed with confused emotions and pulled back. Despite this, the Grand Highblood seemed to get his fill from that one kiss.

“So fucking grateful...getting that kiss...motherfucking EONS,” he said in pants, “Thank you, brother.”

“You’re welcome, Kurloz.”

He gasped. “GET THE MOTHERFUCKING PAIL!”

Gamzee grabbed the pail. The Grand Highblood pulled out and gave three strokes on his bulge before coming into the pail. Gamzee could feel the pail get even heavier and he was so proud it was him that sent the Grand Highblood over the edge. When the Grand Highblood was finished, he motioned for Gamzee to give him the very full pail. Before Gamzee handed it over, he noticed the two Capricorn symbols and the one Sagittarius on it. The Grand Highblood capchalogued the pail and the young Cultist didn’t know what he’d do with it. The pail gone, Gamzee sat next to the Grand Highblood.

Equius felt incredibly empty but emotionally satisfied. He fell face first on the couch.

The Grand Highblood didn’t spend long on the couch. He got his considerable mass off of it, disturbing his smaller partners’ rest. He strolled over to the armchair, put back on his robe, and sat back on his casual throne. Out of his robe pocket he took out a huge smoking roll. He unwrapped it, bit off the end and spat it out, and put it in his mouth.

“Haven’t lit up in ages,” he said around the roll, “BUT NOW IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.”

With a lighter that looked like a volcano, he lit his smoking roll and took a deep breath. He coughed a little as he expelled the smoke.

“That’s the shit,” he said with a sigh.

Briefly taking his roll out of his mouth, he took a half-full Faygo and downed it.

He burped. “It don’t matter no more what I do to my body. I’M GOING DRINK AND SMOKE TO MY PUMP BISCUIT’S CONTENT.”

The three rested for many minutes. The one roll produced so much noxious fumes that made the Grand Highblood’s complaint about the planet’s air quality sound hypocritical. The smell almost covered up the smell of sex. Finally, the Grand Highblood broke the silence.

“Wake up, y’all,” he announced, “I HAVE SHIT TO SAY.”

Equius sat up the best he could and Gamzee stopped leaning against the armrest.

The Grand Highblood gestured with his cigar as he spoke. “My time is gone BUT Y’ALL HAVE SOME MAGICAL TIMES COMING. Stick together AND Y’ALL SEE.”

The young trolls nodded.

“That’s all. Y’ALL KNOW MY WISDOM. I texted Wateau and he’s coming to get y’all. ENJOY THIS OLD RESORT. I’m gonna take a nap.”

The Grand Highblood shoved his unfinished roll in his tumbler and lifted himself up. He rolled his left shoulder a couple times before hobbling on and going into his respiteblock. The two messiahs heard the plop of slime and then nothing else.

The two looked at each other. After a long time staring, their eyes both turned to the ark. Before they could even dare to open it, the penthive door opened. They quickly got on their robes before Wateau reached the couch, though he probably saw a little of them naked anyway. Wateau showed no reaction to the state of the block. He just bid with his fingers the guest to come to him.

They left via the lift but the two guests were pulled off at different floors by different servants. The two guests each got their own luxurious suites with all their inventory items organized in the livingblock and anything else they needed already stocked. Though they had both brought mobile devices with them, there was no wireless service. The guests spent dawn and day sequestered in their own personal suites and didn’t get to see each other. So they washed up, took a nap, had a lonely dinner in their kitchenette, tried to read or watch TV while pondering the strange night, and went to bed again. Early the next night, they were woken up and told it was time for them to leave. The servants didn’t give any explanation why but the guests couldn’t argue with their host. Even on the way the guests’ way out, the servants somehow managed to keep Equius and Gamzee from seeing each other. The two spawnmates never got a chance to even say goodbye.

Gamzee found out soon what had happened. At the time he was at dinner with his fellow junior Subjuggulators. If his comrades had known he had seen the Grand Highblood, Gamzee would have been inundated with questions, but he had only told them his trip was a secret. The Subjuggulators knew when a clown has a secret you don’t ask what it is. His comrades didn’t even mention Gamzee’s absence and instead talked of trivial things. Whether they were too scared to discuss Gamzee or they just didn’t care about him Gamzee didn’t know. He just stayed quiet. Then, the announcement screens went on all around the cafeteria and they came with flashing lights and a long horn call to signify this was news more important than the typical announcements about a rampant lusus or a missing husktop. The junior Subjuggulators and their lowblood servants both turned to the screens. On the screens, the Chief Spokestroll of the Subjuggulators announced in both words and sign that at 02:15:11 Imperial Standard Time the Thirteenth Grand Highblood had kicked it.

The cafeteria erupted with wails of lamentation the second the Spokestroll finished his sentence. The producers of the video feed apparently guessed this would happen so the video feed included more flashing lights and horns. Eventually, the audience in the cafeteria shut up. The Spokestroll discussed what would happen next to the body of the Grand Highblood, but not what exactly had already happened to it. After the dull details, the Spokestroll was joined by split screen with the Head Priest of the Council of the Most Mirthful. He led the cafeteria and the whole of the Cult in a long prayer. The congregants repeated his rhythms though some had to stop to sob. The communal prayer ended with “With Much Motherfucking Wicked Clown Love” and every Cultists gave a “whoop whoop”.

The Spokestroll thanked the Head Priest and wished him luck in choosing the next Grand Highblood. After the Head Priest signed off, the Spokestroll reminded the Cult to be respectful to the memory of the Thirteenth Grand Highblood and accept the Fourteenth Grand Highblood no matter what ninja was chosen. Ending with a “whoop whoop”, the Spokestroll signed off. The cafeteria was silent again but only for a moment before the chattering and mourning began again.

It seemed nobody continued dining after that announcement. Their food went untouched and their Faygos were poured onto the ground. Ton of Cultists had their makeup in shamefully smeared, though it was understandable in this situation. Their uniforms, some of them only just purchased, were rent. The junior Subjuggulators left in pale pairs. A lone Gamzee walked across the sticky floor to his block. 

Alone in his two-person respiteblock, Gamzee sat on the couch waiting to crack up. He didn’t cry even though he arguably had more right to than the Cultists around him who only knew the Thirteenth Grand Highblood as an out-dated portrait on the workblock wall. He also hadn’t cried when he looked up the Old Goat on the computer a few perigee after Expulsion and found the lusus was reported dead. Yet he had cried when Kurloz Makara was alive and telling him he loved him. Gamzee was a mystery to Gamzee.

02:15:11 was a mystery too to Gamzee but he guessed it wasn’t long after Gamzee and Equius partied with the Grand Highblood. The Grand Highblood had beheld a miracle so awesome it ate his biscuit, and that miracle was Gamzee and Equius.

Gamzee knew it was true they were miracles but he didn’t feel like either he or Equius were something extraordinary. Gamzee felt like he was just some no-account clown who had only squeaked through life. If he was supposed to be the chosen grub, why did his lusus forget about him? Why didn’t his friends respect him? If he was supposed to be a slayer of infidels, how come the first time he killed an unbeliever, he felt like part of himself was culled? Why was he so fucking short? As for Equius, the motherfucker didn’t even believe in miracles. He was science all the way. Sure, sometimes he had railed against atheism, but he didn’t seem to have a religion of his own. Though he never dared outright say the Cult of the Mirthful Messiahs was wrong, between the lines it was obvious the Cult disgusted him. On top of it all, he apparently wasn’t that great a warrior. All he had was a miraculously big bulge and there were plenty of lowblood heathens with them and nobody worshipped them. The puppet had made a weird choice in souls and that wasn’t even factoring in the computer.

Gamzee was alone in the block. His blockmate was likely with his own moirail. Gamzee’s own pale crush had long been eaten by animals. In fact, everyone from his wigglerhood was dead except Equius. Gamzee decided to pray for all of them, whether they deserved it or not. He wasn’t sure how prayers worked when you were yourself a god but praying was something to do.

Though Gamzee wasn’t in tears, he did feel a craving for sopor slime. His and his blockmate’s recupercoons had an additive in it to make the sopor slime in it unpalatable but Gamzee couldn’t trust himself that day. When he was done with his prayers, he slept on the couch. He had been prepared for the daymares, but he had forgotten sopor slime also repressed erotic dreams. He woke up to wet pants and his blockmate laughing at him. Whatever dream Gamzee had was startled away from him.

As for Equius, he had to wait a week to get back in the loop. By that time, the Grand Highblood’s flesh had already been eaten by ritual birds imported from Alternia, the remaining bones and horns sent to decorate an ossuary, the resort he made his palace burnt down with his servants inside, and the area covered in Faygo. Equius didn’t get caught up by the news in a shipwide announcement. There were no Subjuggulators on his station. He was all by himself when he decided to check up on the news he missed. He looked at the 02:15:11 time, did some research and calculations, and discovered it was indeed not long after the depraved meeting. The Grand Highblood might have been dead the minute he got into the slime.

Biologically, it made sense that the Thirteenth Grand Highblood was dead. He was only a few centuries younger than the Condesce and he wasn’t a near-immortal fuschiablood. His hatchsweep, long kept out of the media, was such a small number. Equius knew from meeting the Grand Highblood in person that the Grand Highblood’s body was obese and slow and all together old. Equius wasn’t sure about the Grand Highblood’s mind either. Yet even though it was obvious that eventually the Thirteenth Grand Highblood would die and die soon, it was hard to believe such an event would actually happen. The Thirteenth Grand Highblood was supposed to be a constant. He had been alive all of Equius’ short life. He had probably been alive all of Equius’ Ancestor’s life, though Equius didn’t know much about his Ancestor. He had been alive longer than all of the Council of the Most Mirthful. Equius thought the Thirteenth Grand Highblood would be frightening trolls for generations on until the Galactic Musclebeast destroyed the universe. How could there be another Grand Highblood?

It seemed all the other inhabitants of the space station were wondering about the Grand Highblood situation. Equius overheard conversations from janitors and from Archeridicators both about it. None of them were Cultists, so they weren’t mourning, but he did sense an unease. Many people echoed his thoughts that it seemed unbelievable the Grand Highblood could be dead. The Grand Highblood’s cause of death wasn’t reported but the taboo against reporting deaths by disease or old age just made it clear his death was a natural one. Most accepted this explanation but there were a few cranks who thought there must be foul play. They pointed out the Condesce could keep a mustardblood alive for centuries, why not the Grand Highblood? However, others pointed out the Condesce had likely not used her power on any other troll, not even her high officers. If the supreme generals of the Archerdicators were mortal, so were the grand highbloods.

Equius, like always, kept silent on these matters. He didn’t even tell his moirail anything. The moirail didn’t ask where Equius had been. He did bring up the Grand Highblood once but Equius absentmindedly broke a robot part and the moirail switched to talking about a minor issue that came up while Equius was gone. The moirail didn’t seem any more interested in the issue than Equius but it was better than addressing the trunkbeast in the block.

Gamzee had no living moirail. He felt sure now that Karkat was supposed to be his destined diamond in the right timeline. Karkat would have stuck by Gamzee even if Gamzee was a puppet. In this life out-of-the-puppet, Gamzee wished he had something like a moirail, destined or not. He spent the mourning season alone.

He didn’t get to go to the Memorial Gathering. He had waited for the invitation but he understood when the event past him by. Though he was the Descendant of the deceased, possibly nobody knew that, especially since the servants who might have known sacrificed themselves. Besides the genetic tie to the late Grand Highblood, Gamzee had nothing else to distinguish himself. He didn’t belong with the high command. He would be the tiniest highblood there.

After the Gathering, the Council of the Most Mirthful met. Traditionally, they would have met on a sacred island on Alternia, but the councilmembers were too far away for that. They instead had a teleconference. News commentators predicted it would take a week or more for the Council to reach a decision. It only took one night. The Council advised the Empress that Gamzee Makara should be the fourteenth Grand Highblood.

Gamzee Makara, like almost all the Cultist, was watching the television with the rest of his unit. When he heard the news, he gave a huge surprised honk and fainting. When he woke up in the staff mediculler’s office, the medisister said it took him an hour to get to their care because his comrades were too busy celebrating with his comatose body. Indeed, Gamzee was sticky with Faygo. When the mediculler came in, he scolded Gamzee for passing out because people might have thought Gamzee was dead. Apparently, even being selected as candidate for Grand Highblood didn’t stop medicullers from being dicks.

However, everyone else was respectful to him. People who had earlier said Gamzee Makara couldn’t be the Grand Highblood’s Descendant said they always knew. Schoolfeeders from training emailed him to say they could see his potential. The space station manager gave him an officer’s quarters and a security detail. It was only Gamzee’s commanding officer who privately took the young troll aside and pointed out Gamzee wasn’t the Grand Highblood yet. The Empress needed to approve of the Council’s choice and, the commanding officer said, she might not see Gamzee’s probable genetic ties as a good enough reason to put him in high position.

Gamzee had too much time to think on those words as he waited for the Battleship Condescension to arrive. The news crews arrived first to interview him. He gave mumbled replies to them and he didn’t mention any of his wigglerhood acquaintances and friends. The most he mentioned from his wigglerhood was the time he killed a seatroll in self-defense. He talked more about his post-Expulsion sweeps, with such stories as how he got his scars. He named his “matesprit” and “kismesis” reluctantly. The news media managed to take this scanty information and make it into a narrative. They turned his enforced matings into romances. His matesprit was gushing but his kismesis was guarded and evasive; likely the kismesis didn’t want to get in trouble with his real hate. Everyone from Gamzee’s post-Explusion sweeps was interviewed. Nobody from Gamzee’s wigglerhood sweep was. Gamzee watched his biographies on television in his lonely quarters and kept hoping they would find Equius even though Gamzee never gave them that lead. 

After two weeks, Gamzee got to board the Battleship Condescension. He was so nervous beforehand he tried to drink a cup of sopor slime only to throw it back up again and he had to reply apply his paint. When he got on the ship, he was led directly to the throne block. He entered through a door meant for someone much taller than him. The throne block was mostly a pool with the throne on a platform in the middle. Her Imperious Condescension sat on the throne with a young female seatroll kneeling by her feet. Gamzee didn’t take in anymore of the block before he prostrated himself in front of the gangway. However, he heard a voice call to him.

“Get up, dumb-bass!” the Condesce yelled at him from far away, “I can’t talk to you when yer on the floor!”

Gamzee got up to see Condesce rise from her throne. She gracefully traveled the distance from her throne to the candidate. He saw her get bigger and bigger until she was right above him. Though Gamzee couldn’t exactly compare them, it seemed Condesce was shorter than Kurloz had been. She was also much slimmer. However, her horns and voluminous hair took up more space than him. She looked at him once before looking away and throwing up a jewelry-laden arm.

“Everyone but Gamzee, out!” she commanded.

The guards by the door left through them and the seatroll attendant jumped into the water. When they had left, Condesce turned back to her guest.

“So, yer Kurloz Makara’s pup, right?” she asked out of the side of her mouth, sounding so different from the recordings.

“Honk...I mean, yes, your Imperiousness.”

She put her hand on the top of his head.

“Yer a short bass motha fucker.”

“Honk...I mean, yes, your Imperiousness.”

She started stroking his horns.

“But you got his horns.”

“Honk.”

She moved her hand off his horns and started tugging on his left ear.

“Yer ears point tha’ right way.”

“Honk.”

She then grabbed his chin and forced it up to her face. She squinted her eyes as she stared at him. He was close enough to see the little lines of age absent from her portraits.

“An’ you got his bulbous nose...and his lush full lips...”

Gamzee thought back to Kurloz’s suggestive comment about her and he wondered if she was going to kiss him. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle that. Instead, she pushed him away a little. She crossed her arms and clicked her tongue.

“Yer a sad sight. You don’t look like no Grand Highblub.”

It was over, Gamzee thought. She was going to kill him and the Council would have to find another candidate. His godhood didn’t matter to the infidel monarch.

She added, “But if Kurloz says you got the right stuff, you got the right stuff. Yer in.”

Gamzee let out his breath.

“Aren’t ya gonna tank me?” she asked.

He stepped back away from any potential kiss. “With what?”

She sighed. “Wit’ a ‘thank you’, tunahead.”

He smiled. “Thank you, your Imperiousness!”

She grinned in approval only to frown again. “An’ you can tank me by not fuckin’ up on yer job or I will fork yo ass.”

He held up his hands. “I won’t fuck up!”

She suddenly grabbed his undefended crotch. “An’ if you don’t fuck up, I might get down.”

Before he could figure out if it would be worse if he popped a wiggly or didn’t pop a wiggly, she took her ice-cold hand away. She took out a remote and pressed a few buttons. The guards re-entered, then the attendant resurfaced, and then out of a side door Gamzee hadn’t noticed a violetblood with thick glasses and a tablet entered.

“Yes, your Imperiousness?” the violetblood asked.

“I’ve accepted Gamzee Makara as Grand Highblood,” she said, “Y’all are witnesses.”

The servants all said, “We witnessed it.”

“Now, Specs, bring me the declaration.”

The violetblood approached them and kneeled with his hands raised to show the tablet. Condesce signed the screen with the attached tablus before handing it to Gamzee. Gamzee didn’t read declaration but he noticed that she signed the “i” in Condescension with three little bubbles. He signed his hatchname where she pointed him too.

“Okay, you can swim out now,” she said when he finished signing, “Go order your shitty soda for the party.”

Gamzee bowed and walked out backwards, almost tripping over the scribe as he left.

It turned out Gamzee didn’t have to order any Faygo for the Inauguration. Every detail of the event was handled by a committee set up by the Council. This was fine by Gamzee since he didn’t have any ideas. The only idea he did float was inviting the unit Equius happened to be in for additional security but the committee scoffed at the idea of Archerdicators providing better security than Laughassassins that were already detailed to the event. With his only idea shot down, Gamzee remained silent at the rest of the teleconferences.

The last Inauguration had been set on Alternia, but again that wasn’t convenient. The committee chose Planet THC 420: a planet nicknamed Almost-Paradise because of the heavy Subjuggulator presence (and not because of the climate nor scenery). The ceremony would be held in a bloodball stadium in the global capital. After the festivities, the fourteenth Grand Highblood would move into his temporary quarters created by expelling a few high officers from their quarters. Eventually, the new Grand Highblood would get his own palace.

The committee argued a lot about the time frame. Half of them wanted to get Gamzee Makara on the throne quickly before his enemies could move in. The other half wanted to take their time and make sure it was the best ceremony ever. Gamzee prayed for things to go quickly and his prayers were answered when an aborted coup convinced the other half of the committee to skip a little. The whole event took only a half perigee to coordinate. 

Two weeks before the fated night, Gamzeee asked one of his Laughassassin guards privately to find a certain Equius Zahhak and deliver him to the new Grand Highblood. An hour after that conversation, Gamzee texted the guard to say he meant alive and unharmed.

The night came. Gamzee was woken up from his uneasy sleep on his hotel suite couch and pulled into the shower. For breakfast, he ate only one beetlebar; he didn’t have the appetite for more. He was helped into a fearsome uniform so wicked it was a shame he would only wear it once. Hairdressers braided his hair and artists applied paint all over his body. He rode in a centipede buggy to the stadium amid the cheers of loving highbloods and scared lowbloods. Once in the stadium, he entered the arena to a flurry of fireworks and a band playing a dubstep anthem. Once on the stage, he joined the Head Priest in leading a group prayer. After the final “Clown Love” was chanted, Gamzee recited the slam poem prepared for him by a ghostwriter (with some awkwardly-inserted additions by Gamzee). Though he didn’t keep good rhythm, everyone clapped along anyway. The Condesce floated onstage on a psionic-platform. Instead of her every-night trident, she had a trident that was half-fork, half-spoon. Gamzee genuflected in front of her and bowed his head as she crowned him with the spoon side. She took her exit to her private box. What followed was an orgy of violence as ten criminals, one for each non-fuschia blood caste, were driven on stage, tortured, and sacrificed. In the end, Gamzee shredded the uniform so carefully made for him, revealing not just his body paint but an expanding codpiece. Fireworks went off, a hidden machine created fog, and he was led out by stagehands under cover. Gamzee Makara was now Grand Highblood XIV. 

The stagehands led him into the stadium home team locker block. He immediately went to a stall and vomited. After that embarrassing moment, he took off his codpiece and entered the showers to wash off all the paint and gore. He was scrubbed down by a servant that had been blinded. However, when the servant was wiping the Grand Highblood down, the sighted empress came in. The minute he saw her hair coming, the Grand Highblood grabbed the towel from the servant and covered his face.

“I’ll see yer naked face some night,” she sneered, “But the rest of you ain’t so bad.”

When he was sure she had left, he took the towel off his face. He got dressed in his every night uniform and reapplied his paint. He got into his buggy and was driven to the hotel where the post-Inauguration Party was held.

Compared to the manic ceremony beforehand, the party was very subdued. It had to be because of all the infidels attending. One indigoblood was so uncouth as to congratulate the fourteenth Grand Highblood for successfully assassinating his elusive predecessor. The councilmember with Grand Highblood XIV informed the indigoblood that while in other branches a troll could ascend by killing one of his own, in the Subjuggulators Family doesn’t kill Family unless it’s absolutely necessary. Before the infidel could be punished, Gamzee forgave him and said he would only be mentally tortured for one hour. It was true in a sense that Grand Highblood XIV brought about his predecessor’s death, not that he would ever say it.

The post-Inauguration Party was winding down when the Laughassassin who Gamzee charged with getting Equius came to tell him Equius was in the Grand Highblood’s chambers. Gamzee apologized for leaving the Party before realizing he was the motherfucking Grand Highblood and he didn’t need to apologize for anything. The guard led Gamzee to the chambers since Gamzee had not even inspected them yet. When the guard opened the door to the receiving block, the first thing the new Grand Highblood noticed was a half-naked bound Equius lying on the carpet in the middle of the block. At the sight, Gamzee’s cheeks heated up and he was glad he was wearing paint.

Ignoring his arousal, Gamzee turned to the Laughassassin and sneered, “Did I motherfuckin’ ASK for a motherfucker to be tied up? With almost no rags? This is my motherfuckin’ FRIEND.”

The Laughassassin stepped back and his eyes widened in fear. Gamzee worried had he put on the Grand Highblood too hard and his loyal servant would club himself to death.

“But props for bring him up so quick like!” Gamzee added with a smile and put his fist up for a bump.

The Laughassassin breathed out and bumped fists with his new master.

“Keep on with the guardin’,” Gamzee said as he entered his quarters back first.

When the door was shut, Gamzee went over to his motherfucking friend. The Laughassassin or his accomplice had tied the indigoblood in an oinkbeast position, with a fang guard gag in his mouth, and foam guards on his horns. He was wearing only waterproof tank top and shorts; it looked like he had been taken straight from his recupercoon. His skin was flushed and glistening. Gamzee didn’t know how long Equius had been like this but he knew he should free his friend quick. Infidels had died before their time due to improper bondage. Unfortunately, the bonds were made of a special metallic rope that was hard to simply cut with a pocket knife.

“Fuck, sorry bro, I’ll get you out,” Gamzee frantically told gagged troll, “I need to find me some pliers in this crib, or, damn, order out for some, shit...”

Before Gamzee could run around the quarters, Equius pulled on his ropes and broke out of them easily as if they were just paper ties. He took off the guards from his horns and mouth as Gamzee stared at him.

“You could have gotten your motherfuckin’ self out of there anytime, couldn’t you?” Gamzee asked.

Equius moved his jaw around before answering. “That would have been very rude after they went through all the trouble of tying me up for your pleasure.”

“Yeah, and they woulda culled your ass too...but why can’t I have guests that ain’t tied up? My ninjas were puttin’ harm on you.”

“I...quite enjoyed the harm.”

Gamzee sighed. “You is you.”

With Equius safe, Gamzee got up and looked around his new quarters. The living block was accommodating but unfriendly. The walls seem to have had an abundance of art and other decorations all over them judging by the nails and fade marks, but with the previous owner kicked out they were now all grey. The display cabinets had nothing to display in them. Yet the carpet didn’t show any tell-tale marks of removed furniture. He would have to do something to make this block and all the other blocks his. And eventually, he’d have an entire palace to make his own. He had lots to buy.

Yet for now, he had something personal from his old life, back when he was a stupid wiggler. It was Equius, who was looking at him with his unshielded eyes wide.

As Equius watched Gamzee wander around wistfully, he thought about how anti-climactic this all was. He had followed the news of the election with intense focus. His fellow Archeridicators of course knew there would be a new Grand Highblood but they showed as much interest in that as they did anything out of the narrow scope of their caste. For Equius, this purpleblood election was personal. The news commentators talked about various possible candidates, many he admittedly didn’t know. He was shocked when it turned out the candidate was someone he knew intimately. However, he didn’t reveal his association with the exalted purpleblood. Gamzee for his part didn’t reveal he knew Equius or any of his wigglerhood friends. A perigee past without anything from him. It seemed his and Equius’ paths would never cross again, unless Equius was unlucky enough to be spotted by the Subjuggulators. Then, in the middle of the day, Laughassassins came for him. He went quietly and his kidnappers didn’t harm him. He was shackled and put on a prisoner transport shuttle. It seemed now that Gamzee would not honor his wigglerhood friend but torture and kill him. He knew the coordinators were looking for the perfect sacrifices and the troll who offended the future Grand Highblood might be one of them. Plus, he technically killed the last Grand Highblood. When he was taken off the ship blindfolded, he expected to see the arena before he died. However, now he was in someone’s living block and even the Grand Highblood wasn’t paying attention to him.

“Is the ceremony over?” Equius asked.

Gamzee turned around from the open doorway leading to some additional block. It looked like he had been spacing out. He walked back over to Equius.

“Oh, yeah, several hours ago. It’s like...almost day? But really it’s night because this planet’s got them dark dark nights.”

“Am I not part of the festivities?”

“You ain’t gonna be shown up in public but you’re part of my festivities.” He winked.

“Then you want your revenge private and discreet...” A new idea donned on him. “Or you want to ravish me.”

Gamzee held up his hands. “I ain’t gonna jump you right now...I wanna get some words out.”

“You brought me all this way to talk? Couldn’t you have messaged me?”

He put down his hands. “Well, I do want some physical goin’ on. Or at least touchin’.” He looked sheepish. “Or maybe a pap.”

“I currently have a moirail and it would be wrong even for the Grand Highblood to break our bonds.”

“And I gotta moirail that’s long time rotted in the wild,” he replied bitterly.

“I’m sorry about Vantas, even though he was a mutant, but I can’t help you.”

Gamzee then got down on his knees in front of Equius and grabbed his top. “But I need a pap bad.”

Equius gulped. “Is the Grand Highblood ordering me?”

Gamzee loosened his grip. “Funny that my first orderin’ as the Grand Highblood is to make some motherfucker give me affection. Funny and TRAGIC.”

“Your Capriciousness, I can do it for an old...acquaintance.”

Before Equius could pap Gamzee, Gamzee let go of Equius’ top and rubbed the sweat off his hands on his pants. He stood up and walked down a hallway without his captive.

“Know there’s gotta be some place in this crib for us that’s more private-like,” he called out.

After opening a few doors, he came back to his captive and motioned for him to come. The captive had problems standing up and Gamzee helped him up, though it was a slippery task. He led Equius to the second door on the right. When the door opened, Equius was shocked to find a block full of pillows and horns.

“Did you have this block specially made?” he asked.

Gamzee shook his head. “Ain’t nobody told me the architecture. I guess every motherfuckin’ officers got their own pale playpen? Now, lay your asschecks on a pillow and don’t make too much honkin’. I gotta take care of something.”

Equius did sit down on a pillow but he still managed to honk a horn. However, Gamzee was out of the way. Equius looked up at the faux-tent ceiling and heard Gamzee running a sink. After a couple of minutes, the Cultist came back but without his ever-present facepaint. Equius was so shocked at this sight he fell on some horns and that startled Gamzee.

“Motherfuck!” Gamzee swore, “Horns!”

“Mother indeed, why are you exposing yourself? Isn’t that a...sin?”

“Indigo, I’m the motherfuckin’ Grand Highblood. I can bestow my face to any motherfucker.”

Gamzee left the doorway and sat down in front of Equius. The new Grand Highblood took off his complex buckle boots. Equius examined this new face and tried to keep his own face from showing too much.

“Why, Grand Highblood, your face is certainly...interesting.”

Gamzee snorted as he threw the boots across the block. “Motherfucker, I know I’m uglier than the ass of an ugly animal. But real dope clowns ain’t supposed to be pretty under their paint. The paint is what makes the beauty.”

“So why are you showing me your face?”

“You’ve already got showed enough of me and my Ancestor. Besides, better show it to you than the Condesce.”

Gamzee took Equius’ wrist in his hand and used it to pap himself on the cheek.

He added softly, “And the motherfuckin’ paint gets all up everywhere.”

He closed his eyes and looked serene. It seemed the papping was calming to the Grand Highblood but it just made Equius feel tenser. His hand was being used as if it were just an inanimate tool and Equius was partly offended by this but mostly aroused. His wiggly, which had subsided when he broke out of his bonds, started coming out again and his shorts weren’t made for that.

Before Equius could faint from the tension or worse, Gamzee took his other hand and started papping Equius back. The purpleblood’s hand felt so cold and instead of thinking about his indigoblood moirail Equius thought of the warmblood he lost. His pump biscuit slowed down and broke. His bulge returned back to its proper place. 

Equius whispered, “Your Capriciousness...”

“It’s Private Ma – it’s Gamzee.”

“Gamzee, are you still resentful of me?”

“I forgive you,” he answered sweetly, “ ‘Cause I ain’t got a choice. You the only motherfucker left from my beach-sitting sweeps.” He clenched Equius’ wrist. “We were motherfuckin’ JOINED by the Thirteenth Grand Highblood hisself. We both got this secret in us.”

It sounded to Equius like Gamzee didn’t actually forgive him. Equius didn’t think he did anything that required forgiveness but he still wanted it.

Equius said, “Yes, it would be wrong to fight when the Thirteenth Grand Highblood felt we should be together.”

Gamzee stopped papping Equius and stopped papping himself with Equius. He held Equius’ hand on the floor.

“Equius, ain’t we more than just ordered together? We are motherfuckin’ Messiahs. Aren’t we?” he asked sharply.

“Well, um, in a sense...there is a bit of the divine in all creation...the creative force...it could be called a parable or a metaphor...”

“EQUIUS,” Gamzee hissed before calming down a little. “As Grand Highblood, I am gonna straight up ask you to spit yes or no: Do you believe we are the Mirthful Messiahs or not?”

Equius was speechless for a minute. Gamzee continued boring his purple eyes into Equius. Finally, Equius closed his eyes and answered.

“No.”

He opened his eyes to see Gamzee looking not angry but resigned.

“I wasn’t expectin’ you to believe. Ain’t no one would believe. Even all the motherfuckers at that stadium wouldn’t have enough belief all lumped together to believe this wild shit. I don’t think none of the other Players believed when it got happenin’. Hell, I don’t think you believed we was Messiahs.”

“But do you believe?”

Gamzee smiled. “Of course I fuckin’ do. I got enough belief in me for the two of us, my Messiah.”

“I hope that belief will help you shoulder your immense burden. I can’t imagine it’s an easy task being the Grand Highblood.”

“I was thinkin’ your think pan could help me shoulder that big-ass burden.”

“I would be your deputy? Is that even allowed?”

“Of course that don’t go officially, gotta be Family and real in-deep Family to be deputy.”

“I could convert. The Cult does allow some indigobloods, right?”

“I’d motherfuckin’ hate you more than I do now if your scientific ass converted. The Family don’t need no more motherfuckers who put on the paint just for the power. They weaken the prayers.”

“I wouldn’t want to weaken anything. But how can I be of assistance as an outsider?”

Gamzee waved his hand dismissively. “You can do it liasonin’ or camp de aiding’ or some motherfuckin’ shit. If your Ancestor could get in with mine’s crew, so can you.”

Equius thought about how his Ancestor might have been literally in Gamzee’s (and vis versa) and he shivered. Gamzee’s Ancestor had said they hadn’t been created by sex but Equius wondered if he and his purpleblood friend had been created by that workblock romance. That romance didn’t seem to have lasted; the indigoblood chose a greenblood over a purpleblood. He wished he knew more about what happened.

Instead of bringing this story up, he said, “I shall join you if I can.”

Gamzee winked and drawled, “We can start that joinin’ now.”

Though earlier Equius thought Gamzee had kidnapped him for the sex, Gamzee acted pale instead and Equius thought the option was off-the-table. Now that it was back on, Equius’ bulge came back to life.

“Right now? In this block?” he asked.

Gamzee scrunched up his face and looked around. “Fuck, I don’t know. Ain’t got no pails here, unless this block is freakier than I think.”

“There must be a bathblock somewhere.”

Gamzee whined, “But I don’t wanna get up. I wanna get my freak on here.”

Equius didn’t want to move either. “There is such a thing as cleaning slaves.”

Gamzee grinned. “You got yourself a good idea already.”

He started to take off his codpiece without standing up. When the codpiece was off, Gamzee wiggled out of his pants and only his pants. It seemed he had forgone any underwear. Equius wondered if his friend ever wore underwear.

Equius would have taken off his own clothes if only he wasn’t sure he would rip them. Instead, Gamzee took off Equius’ shorts for him. Gamzee whistled at the sight of Equius’ crotch.

“You always out?” he teased, “Is that why you so edgy?”

“I do spend some time with my bulge inside. I’m not an adolescent.”

“These nights, I’ve been waking up with my motherfuckin’ bulge wavin’ good evenin’. It’s some fucked up shit havin’ scary dreams and sexy dreams blended all up together but that’s the miracle of no sopor. Sleepin’ dry leaves a motherfucker wet.” 

Though only the tip of Gamzee’s bulge was out, his thighs were wet. He shoved two fingers into his nook and went at it.

“I used to play with myself all the time ‘cause I didn’t have much to play with, but when I got put up with other motherfuckers with no time to spare, I stopped. Then I get myself a private block and a fuckload of time, I was ‘baitin’ and waitin’.” He groaned. “That joinin’ brought out some wicked urge in me. Ain’t fair I didn’t get no bulge in my nook. I wanna see if I can take it.”

Equius looked at Gamzee splayed on the floor. The purpleblood looked so small, though his hips were wide.

“I might hurt you.”

“Maybe I wanna get WRECKED, motherfucker.”

“If you insist,” Equius said as if he wasn’t aching to put his bulge in the new Grand Highblood.

“Right on, indigo.”

Gamzee stopped masturbating and jumped onto Equius’ lap. Gamzee’s fingers held open his nook as Equius put his tip in. When Gamzee got to the thicker part of Equius’ bulge, Gamzee gave a yelp.

“Are you okay?” Equius asked.

“More,” Gamzee growled, “MORE.”

It was hard going but Equius managed to push himself entirely into Gamzee. Equius was unsure whether Gamzee was smaller than average but it felt that way. There was no give for Equius’ bulge. He even felt folded over himself. It was a little painful, like his attempts to wrangle his bulge on his own. However, pleasing the new Grand Highblood gave him pleasure.

Well, Equius assumed the new Grand Highblood was into it. He was bouncing and grinding on Equius’ lap while holding his own bulge. However, his face showed less pleasure than grim determination.

“Fuckin’ miracles,” he chanted, “So motherfuckin’ big. Joinin’ together.”

Gamzee grabbed Equius’ shoulders and sunk in his nails. He lunged at Equius and Equius was expecting a kiss but instead Gamzee bit him on the neck. Equius hoped it would leave a mark. He would be the new Grand Highblood’s. What quadrant were they in though?

However, Gamzee whispered in Equius’ ear “Kurloz” and Equius knew his bulge was just a stand-in for Gamzee’s Ancestor’s. His pump biscuit hurt and it hurt even more when Gamzee started crying.

“Stop, just motherfuckin’ stop,” Gamzee sobbed.

Equius took his bulge out slowly as to not hurt the new Grand Highblood, but the new Grand Highblood hissed in pain anyway before falling backwards.

“Did I do something wrong, your Capriciousness?” Equius asked.

“Ain’t your fault you was made like a musclebeast. It’s all me and my emotions against me. All this crazy Messiah revelations and gettin’ an Ancestor only to lose him and then I’m my Ancestor and I don’t motherfuckin’ know how I can be him it’s too much for this sad no-account motherfucker.” He took in a deep breath and let it out. “And your bulge is also too much for me.”

“What do you want me to do now with my bulge?”

“Tuck the motherfucker back in.”

Equius looked at his rapidly wiggling bulge. The new Grand Highblood’s orders were easier said than done.

While Equius was busy with his bulge, Gamzee looked up at the ceiling lost in thought. He felt tired and disappointed at himself. He had broken down and acted most unmirthful. His body was too small still to take a bulge his Ancestor probably could have taken. In his pain he not only cried but bitched out and in front of an infidel. His fellow Cultist would be disappointed in him. However, he did feel relieved to finally cry.

Equius gave a frustrated groan and Gamzee reluctantly sat back up on his sore ass. He saw Equius trying to tuck his disobedient bulge back in and he grinned. Gamzee figured even if his own junk had stormed out over its owner’s abuse, he could still have fun with Equius’.

“Let me take care of that,” he cooed.

Equius dropped his hands. Gamzee leaned over and grabbed Equius’ bulge firmly with both hands. With his mouth Gamzee took the tip inside him.

“Are you sure what you’re doing?” Equius asked.

Gamzee looked up at Equius and was amused by his panicked look. It was as if Gamzee was trying to disable a bomb. Sure, Gamzee had never sucked a bulge before but it wasn’t that difficult. He just needed to keep the thing from wiggling down his throat.

“Mmm hmmm,” Gamzee answered around Equius’ bulge.

This reply seemed enough for Equius to start going with it. His head lolled back and only groans came out of his mouth. He was close and Gamzee knew he would soon get to taste that indigo flavor. He already like the salty pre-material.

Then Equius whinned and came into Gamzee’s mouth. The material didn’t taste foul to Gamzee’s admittedly odd tastes but there was too much of it. He had to take his mouth off and cough while the rampant bulge sprayed his body. Yet when he had caught his breath, he felt a strange pride.

“Are you okay?” Equius asked.

“One night I’ll chug you down,” the new Grand Highblood bragged, “You gonna make my food sac all poof out.”

“And you me.”

“And one night I’ll be big enough to hold that bulge.”

“And I’ll...well, I can already hold your bulge easily in my nook with plenty of room left.”

“Your nook is so damn big you could hold a motherfuckin’ Massacre in it.”

“But I’m only going to hold one congregant in it for now on.”

“Fuck yeah you are.”

They shared a smile.

Gamzee then wiped his finger along his chest and sighed. “Time for a bath. You in?”

“I don’t find baths to be very hygienic, especially group baths, but...yes.”

The two got up in two minutes. Gamzee led Equius to the bathblock where there was a tub big enough for one Subjuggulator and his or her quadrants. Though the tub was huge, so were the faucets, so the tub filled up fairly quickly. In a cabinet there were complimentary toiletries like a shower cap and bath oils. Gamzee put on a cap but decided to forgo the bath oils with scents like blood and catnip. When the tub was half-full, they shucked off their clothes and got in.

“Ahhh,” sighed Gamzee happily as he entered the warm water, “this is some crib. It’s good to be Grand Highblood.” He closed his eyes.

“It is an excellent place but...where am I to live?”

Gamzee opened them again. “With me? We can have ourselves a motherfuckin’ coon for two.”

“That would be improper. People will say we are in a quadrant with each other.”

“Then the rumor-squawkers will be right for a change.”

“This isn’t just a one-day thing?”

Gamzee stared down Equius. “Joined is motherfuckin’ joined. We would be in the puppet forever if we was, wouldn’t we?”

“Which quadrant are we to be joined in?”

“Um, the ‘almost puppet pals’ quadrant? Hell if I know.”

“Is this all because of your predecessor’s vision or...” Equius’ voice turned plaintive. “...do you have actual feelings for me?”

Gamzee thought for a long tense moment. As always with romance, he thought back to what Karkat said. Karkat had told him all romance was based on hate and pity, and pity was only a form of hate. When Gamzee didn’t know anything beyond his small sphere, he thought that was the common wisdom. When he finally met more people, nobody recognized that idea and Gamzee figured Karkat stole that from an obscure movie. However, now it seemed Karkat was a prophet in this case.

“I got romantic pity for you,” he answered suavely.

Equius was unimpressed. “Vantas also gave you that lecture, I see. He did that once while I was trying to talk programming with him. I think he was trying to compensate for his lack of knowledge in that area.”

“Um, honk, I also I think you’re really motherfuckin’ hot, if that’s something?”

Equius smiled. “I have feelings for you too, Gamzee.”

The Karkat in Gamzee’s mind yelled, “Kiss him!” so Gamzee did despite having to practically swim across the tub. Though it seemed an obvious thing to do, Equius seemed surprised at first before easing into it.

And Equius and Gamzee were joined together for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the bad luck that followed the rest of the Players came upon them. Gamzee ran afoul of his Cult, and he and his paramour were executed. They died together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who didn't just skip to the porn.
> 
> Disclaimer: what GHB does is wrong and things wouldn't turn out so happily in real life.


End file.
